Holding the Question

All Hallows Eve reflections

2010-11-01T13:34:00.004-05:00

I love Halloween. This year, John and I went to see Shannon and Josh in northern Illinois on Saturday and stayed overnight, which always allows a little more "hanging out" time than a hit-and-run visit. Josh's family (mom & dad, sister & boyfriend, brother & girlfriend) joined us and we all walked about a mile to see the town's annual display of carved pumpkins. Then back to Shannon&Josh's house for potluck and pumpkin carving of our own -- always fun!

Amy and Mason had less fun -- Mason's been getting one cold virus after another, and spent most of Saturday night sleeping only about 45 minutes at a time -- so Amy was pretty beat by the time we got home on Sunday afternoon. And last night we were all up from about midnight until 2:30 because the little guy woke up screaming, wheezing, crouping, and vomiting.

As I attempted to fall back to sleep, I was reminded of my friend Julie Ann's earlier comment that the veil between the two worlds is thinnest on Halloween ... and I believe I experienced my very first inkling of any "communication" from my mom since she died a year and a half ago.

I was dead tired by the time I finally hit the pillow, but I couldn't get to sleep, so I found myself marveling at how all 3 of us had taken our roles to work as a team in our little crisis; me taking Mason from Amy (covered in vomit) so she could talk to the phone nurse without him wailing in their ears, John helping me get Mason out of his pajamas and handing me wet washcloths, then cleaning up the floor and sink while I cradled and comforted the diapered baby.

I was wondering whether Amy had found it helpful or irritating that I was humming and singing almost constantly (it seemed to calm him, and he often sang along) as we attended to Mason -- cleaning him up, turning the bathroom into a steam room to see if it helped his breathing (it did), and waiting for an hour before he could have anything to drink again (to see if he had a stomach virus, as well).

Upon reflection as I lay in bed, I found myself thinking, calmly, surely, "I am a GOOD grandma." And, further reflecting, I thought, "I am a GOOD MOM."

Anyone who knows me understands how revolutionary this is -- I am always doubting myself, especially in those roles. This was such a flood of certainty, accompanied by an undefinable, indescribable flow of *something* that I can only say seemed to give an impression of my mother ... the mom I grew up loving and adoring and spent most of my adult life missing ... and I found myself teary.

My mother's most significant gift to me was her absence from my life, which allowed me the space to become the good mom and the good grandma that I have grown to be. I am also very grateful for the perspective that allows me to finally, unreservedly, acknowledge these accomplishments.

My True Inheritance and My Legacy

2009-06-13T15:08:00.005-05:00

I'm convinced that, no matter the circumstances, losing our mothers is never easy. If she was ideal (who is?!?!), we mourn the loss of that relationship; if she was less than ideal, we mourn the loss of that which was supportive and the hope of ever filling the gap left by that which never quite met our needs. In the end, we all just do what we can, as daughters and as mothers, and hope it might be enough, I guess.

I am so grateful for the circles of women I have been a part of, all these years. Without that deep sharing of all the separate stories that have intertwined in my heart and mind -- I'm certain I could NOT have unraveled and resolved as much of my "mother-stuff" as I have over the years. There is a tendency in my family of origin to BURY things rather than to resolve them; I have had mentors and role models who have helped me to shun that tendency, to bring feelings and fears out into the light, to take a stand for what is good and feels right for me and my immediate family, and who have supported me every step of the way. For all of you -- I am grateful to my core.

Thank you for your amazing, thoughtful, insightful and very helpful responses.

You hit the nail right on the head: I did lose my mother -- if I ever "had" her -- long, long ago. I have been trying not to judge my own heart connection, all these years yearning for the affection of a woman who could be so mean and selfish ... not just "in the end," but apparently -- if I'd let myself acknowledge the truth -- throughout her life and mine. But I wanted to believe that the mean and selfish things were not really her choices, but the influence of others ... my dad, my sister, my brother. Intellectually, for most of my life, I have known and acknowledged that even if they WERE influences, it was still HER decision to allow them to shape her interactions with me and others in the world outside the "safety zone" she fashioned for herself, where her mythology of victimhood could survive. Part of me always wanted to believe that "if only" I could sit and talk and spend time with her -- away from them --then I could set her free to enjoy the world of beauty *and* truth that I have perceived. But the prisoner didn't want to leave -- she was her own warden.

You are also so very correct that I am stronger *because* of the things I have experienced. I'm also a better mom because of what my own mother did and did not choose to do or to be. Difficult as that road has been, I am grateful; I take very little for granted when it comes to love and mothering and family.

And, again ... speaking of family ... you are again on target with the observation that family is more than biology. I am grateful for the spiritual family I've been blessed with, including all the sisters and all the circles!

Now that it's all over, and I've had some time to adjust to the idea that my IDEAL of Erika apparently was no where near the REALITY of her -- I'm sad, but also relieved I didn't get what I wanted so badly all these years: to be back in relationship with her. Because, to be honest about who she really was ... NOT having her in my life allowed me to nurture and grow within mySELF those traits I cherished about her:

joy,
play,
childlike delight and awe,
appreciation of beauty and music and art and creativity,
a sense of adventure and culture,
being strong and knowledgeable about medical and legal issues,
seeing the bright side of things

-- without having those ideals clouded and diminished by her other strong character traits of pettiness and self-interest, and neediness and small-mindedness that (sigh) were truly a reality.

I'm looking outside at our new little quaking aspen and I am reminded that there is so much beauty in the world, so much to be excited about, and how much I am loved. When our tree was planted on Wednesday, I couldn't contain my delight. John said, "so ... another wish come true! I'll be running out of them soon!" I told him that the only other wish I need him to fulfill for me is to stay with me the rest of my life.

Life is good. The rest is just plot, setting, characters ...

My Inheritance

2009-06-11T13:25:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I got an envelope addressed by my sister, with my mother's initials as the return address. Inside were 4 items:

1. A printed card with a quote: "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

2. A printed slip of paper with some prayer ... I think it said something about St. Francis ... which was wrapped around

3. A one-dollar bill, folded twice

4. A two-sided photocopy (same on both sides), cut top and bottom with pinking shears. The text is in my mother's handwriting, and says, roughly "To my other children [and she names four of us], they have made their choice for their life, and for my life, and so I leave them each a token of $1.00 to make it legal. My mother-love is undying, and lives on for my children, my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. Like the sunshine and the black velvet of night, it surrounds you and each raindrop that touches your skin is a kiss from me. God bless you all, Your mother"

And all I could think was -- huh. I'm glad I didn't make the effort to go see her. Apparently, she died as self-absorbed and self-centered as she lived ... which would explain why she didn't make any effort to close the gap between us (despite my efforts for the first many years).

And then I thought: what a mean and spiteful way to leave things. Petty, and mean, and spiteful ... and totally unnecessary.

And sad.

I'm okay ... I'm just mulling.

And hoping with all my heart that I inherited none of her pettiness (I have) or meanness (I have) or spitefulness (I have).

And, in the absence of any hope that I escaped that inheritance, I am relieved that I am certain I also have a sense of deep connection with those I love, a fierce protectiveness that would subordinate my own self-interest for the safety and security of my loved ones, and empathy and compassion, which my mother apparently completely lacked.

I will be working on mindfulness -- carefully extracting and mindfully highlighting for myself those characteristics I cherish about myself that may have had roots in my relationship with my mother. I need to separate the gems from the slag ... but right now it all just seems... very ... sad. And distant. Like it's not mine. Except to examine. Later.

Dear Mom

2009-06-04T20:11:00.004-05:00

In the mirror
I see flashes of you.
You were young, once,
And beautiful.
Then you were my age.
At thirty-eight
You already had six children.

In the mirror
I see flashes of you
When the sun strikes
My made-up face
And shadows the lines,
The pores,
The pouches of extra flesh
Dragging my face
Toward the earth.

In the mirror
I see flashes of you.
I am aging, mother.
And you won't see me.

March 25, 1996
from journal entry dated January 26, 1995

My Grandfather

2009-06-04T20:05:00.006-05:00

Curt Albert Walter
had almost no hair.
And almost no genius.
Except the ability
to make a comfortable living
as a banker
and to remain gentle
amidst the war.
And to choose a wife
of exceedingly strong will and character
to lead them to safety
through the mud
and winter cold
and danger zones.

January, 1996

My Mother

2009-06-04T19:45:00.003-05:00

Marriage

to a man who placed her
on a pedestal --
in a glass box
whose key only he possessed --
must have seemed to her
a haven
a place with thorns among the roses
and only a small price to pay
compared to
fearing for her life in Nazi Germany
where her mother's mysterious heritage
COULD have been construed as "undesirable"
and the whole family whisked away
like so many others ...

Or compared to
running away from the advancing Russian army
on foot
across Czechoslovakia
where German citizenship put her at risk,
a despised refugee ....

In a world, formerly comfortable
and privileged,
now torn by guns
and bombs
and hate ... a world of fear,
mortal danger,
deprivation, scarcity, and
uncertainty,

perhaps

the fact that her rescuer
was also her jailer
seemed only a small price to pay
for security.

January 11, 1996
from journal entry dated October 31, 1995

"I'm melting ...."

2009-05-28T22:37:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm not made of stone, after all. I'm crying for the loss of hope that my mom will ever be "my mom" again ... since she died this morning ... without ever really wanting to speak with me again.

As I have expressed elsewhere, I feel as if a door I have been trying to push open for 22 years has suddenly been removed. Not opened, just gone.

Grief sucks, but it paves the way for truly moving on.

indomitable

2009-05-27T23:05:00.004-05:00

So ... I was thinking about how "down" I've been today. And that reminded me of my favorite Garfield cartoon of all time, so I put in some keywords and found a reference to it in Wikipedia ("early 80's" they said). Then, I found a reference to a Garfield archive someone put online. I cannot believe it took me less than a half hour to find it. I can't believe I spent a half hour finding it. I can't believe I found it! And I can't believe how it cheered me up to look for and find it.

Sometimes, my spirit is indomitable. And sometimes the answer to "who cares?" is to change what I care ABOUT.

So here's my cartoon. To give credit where credit is due, I found it in this online archive. And I am very grateful for the refocus of my energies!

P.S. - it was published in October, 1983. My second-favorite Garfield cartoon references a chocolate chip cookie. I'll have to find that one, next!

Sometimes the question is "who cares?"

2009-05-27T22:35:00.000-05:00

Emotionally exhausted.

Replenishing our Oxygen -- and adding some fun to our front yard!

2009-05-25T00:06:00.002-05:00

We decided that we need to plant something in the maple's place -- it's already been a few years since one of the mature American Maples in our front yard choked itself to death (the roots were left wrapped around themselves when it was planted), and it's time we planted SOMEthing. If it's going to happen THIS year, it needs to be at the beginning of the growing season, so the tree has all summer to establish itself, and will weather the winter okay.

We started out looking at Japanese Maples; John really likes them, and I think they're pretty. But they want filtered sun, and they don't handle the wind well. Wind might not be a problem here, but the sun in our front yard isn't going to be filtered.

We saw some nice Magnolia trees (not what people around here call "tulip trees" -- real magnolias) -- but I'm just not sure how hardy it would be here in Wisconsin. I've never seen one blooming, which means either they're not popular here -or- they don't survive. At $130, that's not a chance I want to take, I guess.

We looked at a Newport Plum, with nice red leaves, but the leaves aren't very big -- it's more of an ornamental than a real tree.

We looked at a Honey Crisp apple tree -- it appeals to me to actually have a fruit tree with a crop ... but I'm not sure how much upkeep (spraying, pruning, rotting fruit if you don't harvest in time) it might need. We might think about that for the back yard, though. It still appeals to me. One problem with an apple tree in the front yard is I don't think it would be quite what we're going for.

So we looked and looked, and then we remembered that we had talked about Quaking Aspen. I love the shape of its leaves; I love how it looks shimmering in the breeze; I love how it sounds. Just for fun, we went to look at them ... and John remembered HE likes them, too. We looked at what they had at Minor's Garden center (Kathe recommends for good trees and shrubs, and it's guaranteed for a year). Tromped around for a good 2 hours, looking at different sizes in different locations. We narrowed it down to 3, then went looking for a shrub to put on the side of the garage ... then went to check out the 3 trees again. On the way, I saw MORE of the quaking aspens, which we hadn't yet seen. We found a really nice one, compared it to the 3 we'd set aside, and settled on the last one we spotted. Paid for it today, and delivery / planting by the experts. It should happen in the next 2-3 weeks, they say.

I'm so excited! Looking at other trees as we made our way home, I could only think "you are NOT a quaking aspen! Ha!" about all the poor trees stiffly swaying in the wind. Coming toward our house from LaSalle, I could imagine what it's going to look like to see it shimmering in our front yard, quivering with excitement that we're coming home. I'm so excited!

It will grow, ultimately, to between 30-50' tall, with a spread of 20-30' wide. And, I could be wrong, but I think it's a NATIVE!

Just wanted to share our excitement.....

Encouraging

2009-05-21T22:40:00.001-05:00

What are the important things I need to do in my life?

2009-05-21T22:31:00.002-05:00

Okay, that's a tall order. But I was just feeling melancholy that I don't see some people I love often enough ... and it occurred to me that we currently spend a lot of money to go to a summer camp each year -- where we see people we have come to care deeply for and certainly love. But maybe we ought to make time and money and put that effort into an annual or bi-annual trip to the west coast to see people we love, as well. Washington, Sacramento, Mill Valley ... little pieces of my heart live in each of these places, and I'm realizing I have the power to do something about following them more frequently than we have been doing in the past.

Likewise, and with much less cost and travel time, we could make annual visits to Tomahawk, Rhinelander, Green Bay, Homewood (?), and Merrill (?) -- my goodness, I'm not even certain of the town names of some of the places in closer proximity to us.

Okay -- it's a matter of making it happen!

Focused

2009-05-19T21:37:00.005-05:00

Four days ago, it said I'd reach my goal in mid-March 2010. Thumbs up!

2009-05-17T09:34:00.002-05:00

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
-- Viktor Frankl

2009-05-15T22:58:00.003-05:00

1974, age 17

1978, age 21

1982, age 26

2009-05-15T22:38:00.003-05:00

Age 10, 5th grade

Sophomore year of high school, 15 years old

Age 15

Age 16

Definitely not thin during this period. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the fact that our family had a little bit more money during this period of time.

Why did I grow up thinking I was fat?

2009-05-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

Pictures from my mother

2009-05-11T21:48:00.005-05:00

My sister called me Saturday to tell me that my mother, who is now 86, has been moved to the terminal wing of the hospital. Today, a greeting card box full of pictures arrived in the mail. The earliest pictures were taken shortly after my birth in 1956 and the latest were taken shortly after my daughter was born in 1986.

I last spoke with my mother in August, 1988. Since then, she has declined all my efforts to see her or speak with her. That hurt more than I can begin to express in words.

I hope she gets better and lives happily until she is 92, as did her mother. If she doesn't, I hope her passing will be peaceful.

I wish I could say I will miss her ... but I've already missed having a mother for over 20 years, now.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. I just don't know.

Smogasbord vs. Focus

2009-05-03T15:34:00.004-05:00

Well here I am on the smorgasbord again. Not holding a single question, but exploring on several fronts. Sigh.

I started last week writing Morning Pages again (3 pages, longhand, first thing in the morning; doesn't matter what you write, only *that* you write) and began Week 1 of Julia Cameron's Walking in this World on Tuesday. Wrote Morning Pages 4 out of 5 days; took a longer-than-prescribed walk today with John, Shannon, and Amy; and need to plan my Artist Date to happen before next Tuesday. Might be best if I do it yet this afternoon, I think!

Aha! I didn't go anywhere Sunday afternoon, but I *did* realize I'd already done an Artist's Date in the first week: I went to Ace Hardware and shopped around for essentials to give Lauren in her high school graduation gift of a basic toolbox to take to college. Yea!

Visual Food Diary Study: How About THAT?!?!

2009-04-26T20:09:00.002-05:00

I just received a tip from the RealAge.com people that says a study shows when people snap a picture of what they eat, they make better choices ... which is just what *I* was saying!

How 'bout that!!?!?

If you would like to read the article, please click this link to take you to the RealAge tip.

2009-04-16T22:32:00.002-05:00

Gallup Higher Education Division
StrengthsQuest™

Below are my Signature Themes — my five most dominant themes of talent, ranked in the order revealed by my responses to the Clifton StrengthsFinder.

As you may know, the Clifton StrengthsFinder measures the 34 themes of talent determined by The Gallup Organization as those that most consistently predict outstanding performance. The greater the presence of a theme of talent within a person, the more likely that person is to spontaneously exhibit those talents in day-to-day behaviors.

Focusing on natural talents helps people build them into strengths, and enjoy personal, academic, and career success through consistent, near-perfect performance.

How well do you think these themes describe me?

Learner

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Adaptability

You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

Connectedness

Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

Positivity

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

Taking a Stand vs. Protecting Myself vs. Just Being Mean

2009-04-08T09:14:00.003-05:00

I've withdrawn from anything but essential interaction with someone from work. I've been verbally assaulted just once too often, and I'm done pretending I want to have anything but a purely professional relationship.

I've just answered my own question.

In a purely professional relationship, I would still maintain the "niceties" ... saying a pleasant hello, acknowledging a sneeze with "Gesundheit," saying "good night" when I leave.

Last night, it was just the two of us left in the office when I went home. It felt funny (I should have listened to my inner uneasiness), but I was ready to walk out the door when I heard, "are you leaving?" from behind me. "Yes," I responded. "Oh, well, see you tomorrow." "I'll see you Friday," I said, since I was going out of town. "Oh, right! Have a good trip!" "Thanks."

It was mean, petty, and not at all professional.

I'm not good at drawing gray lines. I tend to be better at black and white.

I can do better. I can have a purely professional relationship. I'm sure I can do this.

Being done

2009-04-07T21:29:00.002-05:00

It's sometimes difficult for me to tell when to step out of a situation. Exiting gracefully isn't something I have a lot of experience with. It seems as if some people are able to move on and yet keep relationships going ... I tend to leave a workplace or situation -- usually on good terms -- and either intentionally or unintentionally end up cutting almost all ties.

I don't want to do that with this group; but I think it's time for me to step out of the circle.

We'll see how this goes ....

Still not right ....

2009-04-06T22:43:00.001-05:00

Something still feels "off" ... working on putting my finger on it, so I can either learn from it or just make it go away ... or both.

Makes me wish I could just stay tucked in bed, some days.

What's important?

2009-04-04T09:31:00.001-05:00

Where do we go from here ....?

2009-04-04T08:45:00.002-05:00

This seems to be the question occurring to me over and over, lately, for various reasons. I don't think it means relocating our residence. I think it means things are moving ... in many ways, in many directions. I'm also feeling a "what comes next? what do I do now differently than before?" kind of urging, prodding, prompting me to question all kinds of things that I simply left alone before.

Things are definitely moving ... and looking for direction ....

Where do we go from here ....?
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

What am I choosing ... when I feel threatened?

2009-04-03T03:21:00.005-05:00

There is a heaviness in my heart, almost a nauseous feeling, and an impulse to escape.

I hate feeling this way.

How much of this is in response to the current situation, and how much is survival response reminding me of past dangers, to urge me to take cover, stay safe, "survive!"?

Physical danger is unlikely in this situation. But my physical and emotional reactions are so intricately tied together, just as my current and past experiences are so intimately tied together, that it is difficult to know what to respond to and what to ignore.

Ignoring danger can result in dire consequences.

I hate feeling this way. I know it's a choice; I'm just not sure what is necessary right now, and what I can discard.

Existential Angst

2009-03-30T19:28:00.008-05:00

Again, I find my inner jukebox playing:

Where do we go from here, now that all of the children have grown up?*

It has nothing to do with playing games, this song running through my mind. It has to do with my wondering just what I should be doing with my life right now.

For decades, my predominant focus has been on my children, although admittedly, I've had other foci, as well. But no matter whether I was focused on work or my weight/health, or my marriage or my spirituality, the underlying driving force in my life was my love for my children and doing all I could to ensure their health, their happiness, their education, and their safety ... in the present and in the future.

They are 25 and 23 now. They have long since taken control of their own health, their own happiness, education and safety. It's time for me to figure out the rest of my mission on this planet!

And then, again, maybe it is simply to live a long, happy, prosperous, and beautiful life surrounded by people I love and who love me.

Maybe, that's all that's required of me.

Maybe.

* Games People Play by the Alan Parsons Project

Question: how many hours a day can one focus on a project without getting sidetracked?

2009-03-27T23:28:00.003-05:00

My experience this week says the answer is about 11.

Pickin' up my crest, dustin' it off, and movin' on

2009-03-21T00:43:00.005-05:00

Choosing is so much easier when life is going smoothly!

I'm disappointed that I chose to allow myself the indulgence of drama and anger and hurt and depression when things got rough.

I am better now. Still waiting to hear what kind of action can be taken, should be taken, for damage control. But not mentally and physically KO'd anymore.

Movin' on.

OH! And I took a walk again today; met John about a mile away, where he had a hair cut ... then home. AND I ate vegetarian today. Yes, I'm back.

Crestfallen

2009-03-19T21:01:00.003-05:00

My community of choice would be one that lives up to (or at least conscientiously holds mindfulness about) these principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unfortunately, my experience is that the first principle goes out the window as soon as someone feels "wronged" in some way. Then, the inherent worth and dignity of the "OTHER" is discarded in the righteous indignation of the offended party. And nothing seems powerful enough to pull us back on course, back to mindfulness that we are all striving to live by these principles -- that this is what we have in COMMON. Only what divides us, what makes ME better than THEM, is important anymore.

I'm so disappointed. And I'm not exempt from transgressing in the same way. I want to have my wrongs righted, and when I'm whipped into this righteous indignation myself, I forget completely that the OTHER also has inherent worth and dignity.

It makes me want to live on a deserted island, sometimes. It's so much easier to be mindful, alone.

And yet, community is something I value so highly ....

Pondering imponderables.

Can these principles and human nature be reconciled? Or are they ideals unreachable by mere humans?

Mindful Choices: Day 3

2009-03-18T21:12:00.003-05:00

1. Another cool house, 2. Sidewalk Art, 3. Tanya and me, walking, 4. City Market - Shorewood, WI

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Another walk at lunch - only about 50 minutes, leisurely pace because Tanya had 3" heels on. Fresh air, great to talk with her after her trip to Riyadh. Felt good!

Mindful Choices: Day 2

2009-03-18T20:14:00.003-05:00

1. John and I had a picnic dinner in the park!, 2. UWM's Downer Woods, 3. Klode Beach Park - Whitefish Bay, WI, 4. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 5. Sunset, 6. Crocuses where yesterday there were none!, 7. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 8. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 9. Kane and Amy, 10. UWM Alumni House, 11. Taking the stairs, 12. My favorite Irishman, 13. UWM's Downer Woods

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Took an hour and a half walk today with Amy and Kane, from UWM to Atwater Beach Park, to the Alumni House, and back to UWM. Also chose the stairs on my way to a 3rd floor meeting in Sabin, and walked around Klode Beach Park with John after work.

The weather was at least 70 degrees, even near the lake. What a beautiful day!

Mindful Choices: Day 1

2009-03-16T11:57:00.007-05:00

1. Blossoms!, 2. Dinner at Harry's restuarant, 3. The long walkway to parking garage, 4. Winter debris, 5. Looking up at Enderis Hall, 6. Looks like a tack in the tire..., 7. Reflecting, 8. Pita and hummus, 9. Verboten, 10. Steep stairway to the lake -- off limits., 11. UWM Alumni House, 12. Cereal and scone, 13. Gorgeous exterior

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Movement:

Walked the full block (don't laugh, I'm trying) from Maryland and Hartford to work (rather than John dropping me at the door).

Walked for over an hour at lunchtime! Went toward the lake, saw garden sculptures and blossoming spring flowers, lots of sunshine, and enjoyed every minute of it, despite a little briskness in the air. Lovely!

Enjoyed waiting outside for John after work, and walking to the parking garage.

Fuel:

At my desk: vitamins, cereal and skim milk, low fat cranberry/orange scone, Spicy Mountain Peach Tea = breakfast

At my desk: 7 tiny pitas with about 5 oz. of plain hummus = lunch (oops! 2.5 hours later, and the hummus isn't sitting very well ... glad I have Tums. I think there was too much garlic. "Too much garlic?!? No such thing!!" I'd love to say. But, in reality .... Well, on second thought, perhaps it was the hummus with the Peach Tea chaser. In any case, here come the Tums.)

At Harry's restaurant: pan-seared scallops with angel-hair pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, and white wine sauce and bread.

At the Last Drop Coffee Shop: August Vanilla Bean Steamer. Truly delicious.

Spirit:

Photography. It felt so great to take pictures of something besides food!

Took a different direction and different route for my lunchtime walk than I ever have before, and saw lots of wonderful things I hadn't seen before. And having my camera with me means I could also record some of them. Even wiating for John was enjoyable with my camera to keep me company.

Sunshine! What more do I need to say!?!

Lovely dinner and companionable evening with my wonderful husband!

Choosing to walk ... with bare toes!

2009-03-15T21:51:00.004-05:00

Yeah, it was warm today! I wore the flip-flops to prove to myself that I could.

John and me.

Not a long walk, but it sure felt good!

Choosing not to move, again

2009-03-14T19:42:00.003-05:00

It's too easy to settle in, even with an awareness that I should move, that I want to move. Settling in with the computer, with the TV, with food. I wanted to take a walk today, but not badly enough to actually do it. I did have a headache, and took a 2.5 hour nap ... but then, instead of taking a walk, I checked my email, finished making the spinach pie I started yesterday, and generally wasted the rest of my day.

It doesn't help that I'm watching 98-pound Michele Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. I have to get a perspective on what's possible and reasonable to expect for MY body. And just do it.

Choosing to Notice - Looking Up

2009-03-14T19:41:00.003-05:00

This view of this building reminds me of "perspective drawing" in high school art class!

The sky is so much more interesting with clouds ....

I couldn't even see what I was taking a picture of in the viewfinder, because it was so bright . The sun was behind those clouds, just blazing away.

It feels good to be taking pictures of the world around me again.

Reality Check

2009-03-14T19:18:00.004-05:00

Eighteen pictures of me (taken with the auto function), superimposed over one another with the collage tool in Picasa. The individual pix are too depressing to post here, but seeing them helped me decide NOT to wear that outfit to work.

No photo journal = heartburn? Really?

2009-03-13T10:51:00.004-05:00

I admit that I ate mindlessly, for the most part, yesterday. Not badly, necessarily, just mindlessly.

No photo journal, no accountability?

Well, not quite.

But when I reached what would have been (during a photo-journal day) the end of eating (partly because of mindfulness, partly because it's a pain to pull the camera out and modify the photo journal for a handful of candy!), I kept going. Not a "binge," in the sense of "out of control." But definitely more than I've been indulging for the past 3+ weeks.

And, for that, I suffered. Heartburn. The trigger? Innocent-looking pink and while candies.

I knew better. I did it anyway. This is how we learn.

Photo is used under the creative commons license.

"oh, my...." re: me from the outside

2009-03-12T09:34:00.003-05:00

This is definitely a good direction for me to go, if my goal is to be mindful and bring my body image into alignment with reality. I'm not exactly sure whether that's a good idea, overall, though.

I looked at my last blog posting this morning, again. I can't express to you how hard it is for me to absorb the fact that those are images of how I really look.

I have LONG wished that mirrors had never been invented, because I could then believe I was absolutely beautiful, based on how other people respond to me -- honest, it's good! But when I see 'me' I know it's something besides my appearance they're responding to -- which is also good -- but feels incongruent.

ANYWAY ... my only worry in this expedition is that there are things that are irreconcilable. I may be able to lose weight and pare down my overall mass ... but there's nothing I will reasonably do about the overbite, the broken nose, the ... age. Sigh.

I am I.

Onward.

Me, from the Outside

2009-03-11T22:01:00.004-05:00

I'm finished with the visual food diary for now. It's clear to me that I don't usually over-eat. I do usually under-move.

Today was another perfect example:

- John dropped me off right outside the building I work in (thank you!)
- I sat at my desk from 8:40 a.m. until 5: 30 p.m., with very few exceptions
- John and I walked to the car (7 minutes)
- and then I sat around the house for the remainder of the night.

The problem is definitely lack of movement.

This is not new news.

I'm just looking for new motivation to get me to do things differently.

The visual food diary helped make me more mindful of what I was eating. I'm hoping a visual record of what I look like from the outside -- all around, not just the part I usually see in the mirror -- might be a visual and mental motivator to get me to MOVE!

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 26

2009-03-10T21:16:00.002-05:00

3/10/09

Breakfast 8:30 a.m.

Raspberries, cereal, milk -- at my desk.

Lunch 11:30 a.m.

I don't know why ... when I saw the smoked oysters at Trader Joe's, I just wanted them. When I didn't have something ready to take for lunch today, they seemed a logical choice. They were really good with the pita.

But I gotta tell you ... the flavor of smoky-too-salty oysters stays in my mouth LONG after the desire for them has been satisfied.

Girl Scout cookies - a little too many, but I was trying to kill the salty smoky flavor, unsuccessfully.

Dinner 6:30

Baked potato leftover from last night's dinner at the Glen Cafe, Dove bites, and two triangles of TJ pastry crust with a sprinkling of shredded cheddar.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 25

2009-03-10T20:57:00.001-05:00

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 24

2009-03-10T20:19:00.003-05:00

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 23

2009-03-08T16:27:00.003-05:00

Walking on a Beautiful Spring Day

2009-03-06T21:44:00.002-06:00

It was gorgeous outside today. I don't mean "nice." I mean 60+ degrees, sunny, I-wore-no-coat gorgeous. In Wisconsin. On March 6.

I chose to leave my desk and go for a walk. I chose to call my husband and ask if he was free to take a walk *with* me. I waited for him to finish his project, and we talked and walked hand-in-hand to the coffee shop up the street, got some food "to go," and went back to work.

That's my kind of lunch date. I'm so lucky!

What am I choosing ... to watch?

2009-03-06T21:34:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure why I watch The Sarah Connor Chronicles ... at times it's disturbing, but part of me wants to know how young John Connor gets to be *the* John Connor.

But I refuse to watch Dollhouse. I saw about 10 minutes of this show tonight, and decided to leave the room.

As a result, I learned some new things about Picasa photo editing. :-)

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 22

2009-03-06T21:26:00.002-06:00

NPR.org - Leonard Cohen, Live From The Beacon Theatre

2009-03-06T10:07:00.004-06:00

What am I choosing to listen to?

(gotta love the internet!)

Leonard Cohen, Live From The Beacon Theatre
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=101034642&sc=emaf

Set List
"Dance Me to the End of Love"
"The Future"
"Chelsea Hotel"
"Tower of Song"
"Suzanne"
"The Partisan"
"Hallelujah"
"Recitation With N.L."
"Take This Waltz"
"So Long Marianne"
"First We Take Manhattan"
"Democracy"

"Enough"

2009-03-06T08:04:00.007-06:00

Holding the question is an amazing practice. This morning, I packed up my food for the day ... noticing there were little bits of this and little dabs of that, which I gathered from the refrigerator ... not knowing what I would choose to eat during the day, and what would be left to come back home again.

As I unpacked breakfast at my desk, choosing the container of cereal with half a peach and the reuseable container of milk, and noting again

the tiny container of leftover winter fruit salad and
the other tiny container of pseudo-chicken bbq,
two clementines and
three mini pitas,

I found my mind asking,

What am I choosing?

The immediate answer, coming from ... where? (Ah, that's the beauty and the mystery of it!) said, clearly, simply:

Enough.

I'm basking in the simplicity and the "rightness" of that answer.

Have I finally reached the border and stepped over the line, free from the constant underlying feeling that haunted me throughout my childhood, early adulthood, 30s, 40s .... that there was not enough, that I was not enough?

In this moment, I am hopeful and content. Enough.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 21

2009-03-05T21:59:00.005-06:00

Reflecting ....

2009-03-04T20:38:00.005-06:00

Questions to consider

* What is my question or my focus?

My question has been "What am I choosing, in the space between stimulus and response?" For the most part, my focus in holding this question has been on the food choices I'm making.

* What have been my challenges to this?

My challenges have been maintaining mindfulness. In an attempt to do something completely different to help me THINK about the food choices I'm making, I decided to keep a visual food journal, photographing everything I plan to eat and reflecting on how it's affecting me.

I'm also facing a new challenge in the last few days -- some boredom with the routine of photographing and posting the visual food journal. It's becoming less mindful and more rote, the longer it goes on ... but I hate to stop because I've had such positive results with it. A long time ago, I read that it takes 30 days to establish a new habit. I want to persevere for at least 30 days, in the hope that the new mindful choice-making in the area of food will endure if I do. To combat the challenge, I'm changing up the routine of actually posting, a little -- I don't want to mess with the commitment to photograph my food choices just yet. There's still huge value in that practice for me.

* What have been my successes around this?

My successes have been amazing! I've written about this a little before, but the most significant success has been that ... while my original intention was simply to RECORD what I was eating, without altering my choices FOR the journal ... the actual effect of KEEPING the journal was to make me actually reconsider the merit of various choices PRIOR to settling on a final decision -- and very often, to choose something much less fatty, much less sugary, and much more "healthy" ... plus, often, simply "much less" ... than I might have without the prospect of those choices appearing in the visual food diary.

I'm honestly not sure what the impetus for this change of choices is

simply being mindful that I *am* making choices ... and therefore actually *taking* the moment to do so with some thought instead of mechanically.
embarrassment about what other people might be *seeing* that I'm eating ... although I'm not absolutely certain this blog is being viewed by anyone on a regular basis, and I'm not sure whether anyone who might be viewing it would actually be *judging* me for my choices.
realization of patterns of behavior as I prepare and review each day's choices.

* What might be a next step?

A next step, which I began today, might be to add time of day to the food journal. I'm interested to observe, and possibly adjust, the timing. For example, I've long been aware that eating later in the evening results more predictably in heartburn for me. *Where* I eat also has an impact on my choices -- incorporating more context in my visual food journal might assist in bringing some useful insights in that area, as well.

Choosing what to believe -- in particular, about my body vs. the image I hold in my mind about my body -- is another "next step." I haven't developed that beyond some intermittent mindfulness, but I believe there's some definite value there.

I've also begun playing with a "next step" that considers other "body rituals" besides eating, in my life. Since much of what I do is repetitive from day to day (brush teeth, take a shower, get dressed, sit at my desk endlessly during the workday), without mindfulness there is no real "choosing" going on. With mindfulness, every routine behavior becomes a ritual with meaning.

Another ongoing "next step" has been to keep mindful of how we spend our money. When we're mindful, we try to support local businesses.

* Is a new question called for?

I think holding this question is still important and relevant for me.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 20

2009-03-04T19:43:00.009-06:00

3/4/09 - Breakfast 6:30 a.m.
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

3/4/09 - Lunch 11 a.m.
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

3/4/09 - Early dinner? 3 p.m.
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

3/4/09 - Snack 7:30 p.m.
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 19

2009-03-03T21:42:00.004-06:00

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 18

2009-03-02T20:38:00.003-06:00

Breakfast - you can always tell when I sleep in: no oatmeal. :-) This was served with milk: Heart to Heart cereal, strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries (commercially-frozen), and vanilla yogurt. Also had green tea and vitamins. I'm just bursting with healthy!

Lunch at my desk again ... but I brought something better than last week's bran muffin (NEVER doing the bran muffin again!). Whole wheat pita, hummus, and tomato - tasty and good for me.

Dinner in two parts: Salad and mushroom/truffle flatbread. The salad was so good (click for details).

The mushroom flatbread was too rich. Half of it is waiting to be lunch or dinner tomorrow, but the flavors are so intense, I may stretch it over a couple more days.

Reflections: To be honest, I usually hold off eating in the evening longer when I'm recording my visual food diary ... and I refrain from eating later ... especially when I've already updated everything. This helps me meet two of my goals, because I feel better overall when I don't eat too late in the evening; and I eat "better" when I refrain from munching when I'm preparing dinner. All-in-all, the experience of logging my food visually continues to have a positive influence on my mindfulness and on my choices.

Dessert: shoulda hada clementine.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 17

2009-03-01T19:15:00.007-06:00

Breakfast was a tea party in (belated) celebration of Makenzie's fifth birthday. The tea set was our gift to her:

So ... one answer to "what am I choosing?" is "fun!" Yea, me!

Late lunch / early dinner (which didn't sit well with my stomach):

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 16

2009-03-01T19:06:00.004-06:00

Brunch at home:

Bad decision instead of lunch at Circque de Soliel:

Dinner on the road (although I left most of the potatoes and about 3/4 of one french toast on the plate):

Choosing what to believe

2009-02-27T20:44:00.004-06:00

"Fat and happy" is a phrase I've known and heard all my life. My own experience, especially in my young adulthood, seemed to reinforce the truism that those two attributes go hand in hand, inevitably.

I'm aware that I have evidence of the power of my mind. Visualizing clear, unscarred skin above my eyebrow a few years ago ... along with regular, mindful application of vitamin E/ calendula / lavender oil plus commercially-famous Mederma ... has yielded amazing nearly-scar-free healing of the injury I received when a windblown door crashed down on me at a rummage sale. When one sees other scars I've sustained, when I ignore injuries, it's difficult to believe this scar-free healing is even possible. But mindful choice has its rewards!

Therefore, I'm edging toward another mindful choice ... one that I need to sidle up to rather than confront head-on, lest I scare it (or myself) away. I'm edging toward focusing mindfully on forming for myself a *realistic* body image.

I'm too happy in my life to want to risk throwing it away, in case the "fat and happy" axiom is true for me.

But I'm edging toward believing (and believing is the first step toward realization) that I can be this happy and *not fat.* Creating and sustaining a realistic concept of the size my body is right now ... might be a step in the right direction.

For a start ... this is me, at the end of August 2008. Happy, and ... let's just say, "heavier than I'd like to be."

Food Choices - Photo Journal: Day 15

2009-02-27T19:48:00.004-06:00

Breakfast was just a quick banana - over-ripe and sweet, but ugly:

Lunch wasn't lunch; it was an attempt to keep me going when my stomach started growling around 10:30 this morning. It was too cold to go outside to get some real food, so I settled on a rock ... I mean a bran muffin from the coffee shop in our building. It tasted awful, but the real reminder about why I don't eat these bran muffins came about an hour later when the heartburn started. Ugh.

Dinner was a choice. Four-cheese ravioli with red pasta sauce, Italian bread and butter, green beans, and a special ravioli filled with butternut squash and Vermont maple syrup. Very good, but the portions were too large for comfort.

And, after too much dinner, I regret now that I did indulge in leftover ice cream cake. I did leave most of the fudge layer on the plate, though.

Vegetarian vs. Non-vegetarian

2009-02-27T19:24:00.002-06:00

So ... yesterday I started tagging my daily food diary posts as vegetarian or non-vegetarian. If I had anything non-veg in the day, that's what it's tagged.

Visually, it appears that it's pretty even between fully-vegetarian and non-vegetarian days.

But what I've noticed is how I feel when I view the pix of the non-vegetarian meals. I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. I'll have to think about this more. But I think I might be leaning toward being vegetarian again. Life is easier when I'm eating fish and seafood. Easier not to be mindful.

But mindful is what I am choosing.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 16

2009-02-26T22:34:00.003-06:00

Breakfast was Amy's favorite fruit (cherries) with Lingonberry preserves, vanilla yogurt, and a little wafer cookie.

Lunch was my favorite creamy mushroom soup at Sala de Pranzo, with my favorite fresh Italian bread, and my absolute favorite companion, John!

Dinner, in the order it was eaten -- 'cause it's Amy's birthday!

Wish I hadn't eaten this. In fact, the last of it went down the disposal.

But THIS was good:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 15

2009-02-25T21:42:00.007-06:00

Breakfast, eaten on the way to work and at my desk:

Lunch:

Dinner at the Mongolian Grill:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 14

2009-02-24T18:19:00.006-06:00

Breakfast: oatmeal with peaches, raspberry sauce, vanilla yogurt, and mixed frozen berries ... with milk.

DANG! I was just congratulating myself last night for only missing taking a photo of ONE meal, so far. Today makes two. Lunch was a salad grabbed between meetings, and eaten during a conference call. Shoot.

The good news is that it was a mindful choice (if eaten distractedly), with "good for me" ingredients. So, in lieu of an image, here's a description of the salad:

lots of iceberg lettuce
a little bit of shredded carrot
3 slices of cucumber
2 slices of red onion that I didn't eat (I'm working!)
about two tablespoons of tabouli
about a quarter cup of fried tofu
about a quarter cup of spicy many-bean salad (i.e., lentils, chickpeas, red beans)
about a quarter cup of chow mein noodles

Not so pleasing to look at as a photo, but accurate. :-\

Okay, and dinner and dessert. It's late. I need to go to bed, so this isn't going to be very pretty.

Holding Myself Accountable to my Self

2009-02-23T22:26:00.002-06:00

It occurs to me, as I look back over the past 12 days of visual food logs, that this may be the first time in a very long time that I have held myself accountable for a goal *I* have set for my *self.*

Even "take a photo a day" fun stuff, I've pretty much petered out on. The "take a photo of everything I eat" project has been eye-opening for me in many ways. I'm starting to get bored, though, and I'm noticing a lot of repetitive-looking photos. One day, when I had two soft drinks of the same flavor and brand, I actually DID post the photo twice. But that's not the point. The point is ... I *have* photographed, I have posted, and I have reflected on what I've been eating. Not just AFTER it's gone, either!

I think that's the difference with this, vs. writing down what I've eaten in a day. I can "remember" what's already eaten, in retrospect, with a written log. With a photo journal, I have to be mindful of it BEFORE IT PASSES MY LIPS.

Well, for the most part. Half of lunch was gone today before I remembered.

But the point remains. I make choices because I have to DO something before I eat it.

And I'm making better choices, as a result.

This is good.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 13

2009-02-23T21:58:00.007-06:00

It occurs to me that my posts are tremendously "me" centered. I guess that's just where I am, and what I'm doing right now in my life. Trying to get my house in order, so to speak. The focus will shift ... it always does. But for now, this is what I'm doin'.

Breakfast was fresh apples, raisins, a big dose of cinnamon, vanilla yogurt, and oatmeal with milk and vitamins.

Almost forgot to photograph lunch at my desk:

Dinner was not very exciting, either:

But dessert was great.

What am I choosing to hear?

2009-02-22T21:38:00.004-06:00

People have different tastes in music, food, movies. What's right for one may just be wrong for another.

I'm snug in our old bed in our new temporary bedroom. John is watching a movie both of us know he will enjoy but I won't. It works.

A few minutes ago, I realized I was hearing the sound of gunfire, screaming, suffering. It doesn't matter that it's "not real," that the actors aren't hurt and the gunfire and agony aren't real. It burrows into my being and stays there, long after.

Tonight, I remembered I have choices to make every moment. So I chose to turn on our "going to sleep" CD -- loud.

I'm sure John can't hear it in the living room where he's still watching the movie. And now, I can only hear resonating deep tones and sustained chords played on stringed instruments, punctuated by hauntingly lingering notes of a piano.

A better choice for my peace of mind.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 12

2009-02-22T21:04:00.006-06:00

Breakfast: quick but healthy. No vitamins. :-(

Lunch, of sorts:

To be honest, looking at the pictures of non-vegetarian items in my visual food log are really making me wonder ... do I want to be eating that? It's almost as if I'm feeling embarrassed .... We'll see where that thought goes.

There were two of these in my day. Cold drinks are welcome when hauling stuff up and down stairs. Could have been a beer, but I found myself thinking about how sleepy I'd be after the tastebuds were satisfied and the tiny buzz wore off. Better to drink these or water.

Dinner was a salad with a bit of bread at the bottom of the bowl and a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese. Dessert was the orange. I do love a little change of taste at the end....

What am I choosing when I feel overwhelmed?

2009-02-22T12:50:00.006-06:00

We bought a new bed before Christmas. It arrived after Shannon and Josh spent New Year's with us -- we were hoping to create a real guest room for their stay. Next time. However, we still need to set up the new bed. I don't want to just set it up in the same old room with peeling wallpaper and inch-thick dust on the top of the armoire. I want to clean, declutter, strip the wallpaper, paint the walls ... the whole nine yards.

We have a plan in place, but for many reasons, redecorating our bedroom has moved so slowly that at times progress has been virtually imperceptible. Part of the reason for the delay is that I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the whole project. (I can only imagine how overwhelmed I would / will feel if / when we decide to remodel -- not just redecorate -- the kitchen!)

Overwhelmed is a state that leaves me scared and frustrated, and feeling as if I could cry. Actually, it makes me feel like withdrawing and doing *anything* else to avoid whatever it is that is overwhelming me.

So ... avoidance activity: I started the day thinking about what kind of zipped bag or container with a cover I could give as a companion gift to Makenzie, so that the tea set doesn't end up scattered all over creation, and therefore an annoyance instead of a charming way for her and her sisters to play together.

I mentioned my ideas to John. I tried to explain why I thought it would be a good idea to provide *some* way for the 38-piece set to be kept together by the 5-year-old, and the options I was considering. His response was to open what he thought was a dialog about it. After all, the set wouldn't be kept at our house; why not let Makenzie's dad and step-mom worry about it?

I didn't know why, but I felt crushed, said, "okay," and walked away. I felt like crying. Part of it is probably because Makenzie isn't *really* my granddaughter. Part of it was that I was already overwhelmed by the thought of taking the next steps in our shift to the spare bedroom in order to move the redecorating plans forward.

I'm grateful that John confronted me about my reaction to his "dialog." It wasn't easy to hear. But it opened the door for a true conversation between us, allowing me to express to him what was really going on with me:

Thinking about the Dr. Phil 10 defining moments, 7 critical descisions, and 5 pivotal people had thrown me back into childhood and early adulthood "stuff" that I am happily oblivious about, most of the time.
Wanting to move forward with the steps necessary to finish the bedroom redecorating already had me anxious, so I was engaged in avoidance activity.
I was already doubting myself about whether giving some kind of container for the tea set would be considered meddling, given my status as "step-grandmother." John's questioning the value of that effort just confirmed my feeling that I should butt out.
When I feel overwhelmed I am more comfortable doing *nothing* than I am with the possibility of doing *something* ... wrong. So moving Amy into Shannon's old bedroom was easy. Taking down the futon bunk bed and moving OUR bed into Amy's old room was the next step, and would bring me closer to making more moves and more decisions that might be *wrong.*

We disassembled the bunk bed this morning. It's in the basement now.

We disassembled our bed, and the pieces are in Amy's old room right now. We'll have to finish reassembling today, if we're going to have a place to sleep tonight.

Things are moving along. I'm writing this because, after moving our bed, the sight of everything left in our room to be cleaned, sorted, reconsidered, and moved overwhelmed me again.

Besides, I need to have the clean bed skirt before I can put our bed together again ... and it should be ready to go into the dryer about now.

Between stimulus and response, I chose to feel overwhelmed. John helped open the door to another option, and I chose to take him up on the invitation.

Moving forward ... feels good ... even if it continues to be overwhelming. Stepping away for a while helps.

----- I'm back. -----

And we have a place to sleep tonight:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 11

2009-02-21T21:41:00.007-06:00

Snowstorm at-home day today ....

John made a lovely breakfast, around 11:30 in the morning:

So there was no lunch, really. Just a snack:

And a drink:

Dinner was leftovers from last night:

And, I'm proud to say this was the dessert I chose. :-) I'm making some better choices! Yea, me!

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 10

2009-02-21T12:22:00.004-06:00

A great day: worked from home and romantic dinner with John.

Breakfast, in dishes I actually made myself!

Lunch at home. John made the tumbler I drank my milk out of.

Snack -- instead of a Dove ice cream bar:

Lovely romantic dinner:

Dessert

Mindful about Money

2009-02-20T19:55:00.003-06:00

This thought-provoking article about how we spend our money was written by my friend Nikki.

John and I try to remember to patronize local businesses like coffee shops and restaurants, and even grocery stores. It really does take mindfulness, though.

From: http://www.newsreview.com/chico/Content?oid=914517

Let it blossom, let it flow
Soul of Money message can save our nation

By Nikki Schlaishunt
More stories by this author...
Chico resident Nikki Schlaishunt is a writer, social activist, and early childhood educator.

Keep it flowing—that’s what Lynne Twist says in her book The Soul of Money. Spending money is one of the most useful ways of enacting our values, of expressing and taking steps to enact our vision of a better future. Fear shuts us down; fear stops the flow.

Economically, things are tough right now, and will likely get tougher. This is all the more reason to invest in each other, to invest in our communities, to work together. We have to ask ourselves, “Do we want to live in fear, or do we want to work for hope?”

Keep it flowing. We do not just exchange paper when we buy something, be it with cash or check or charge. We exchange ideals; we pass on hope or fear. It is all in what we buy and to whom we give our money.

Some of us are struggling just to pay the bills, to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. But even we find ourselves with a little extra change. When I was a kid, my mom used to save up her pennies and dimes, then take us out to Big Al’s for ice cream. We didn’t have much, but we kept what we had flowing.

Some of us are not struggling—we have enough to take care of ourselves and our families and then some. Even so, it is hard not to buy into the fear, hard not to clench down on what we do have.

A closed fist feels safer, less exposed, than an open hand. But a closed fist also cuts us off from each other. An open hand allows us to unite, and united we are stronger. I am not saying don’t save. I am saying we should not save out of fear, but out of hope for the future. Keep it flowing.

We have a beautiful opportunity right now to grow a healthier, stronger nation. We have an opportunity to live in hope. We have an opportunity to help ourselves by helping others, and in the process grow stronger, more resilient, more vibrant communities.

Shop locally—support those people in your community who run small shops, restaurants, co-ops. Hire locally—if you have extra, pay someone to organize your garage, clean your house, weed your yard. Donate locally—small local nonprofits are the most vulnerable during economic downturns, and yet they hire your neighbors, help your community, and make a direct difference in the place where you live.

This is our challenge: Give into fear, or open up to hope? That choice is enacted, in large part, through how we spend our money.

Some things to think about ... keys to who we are and what we do?

2009-02-20T19:49:00.002-06:00

From: http://drphil.com/articles/article/74

Defining Your External Factors

According to Dr. Phil, you can trace who you've become in this life to three types of external factors: 10 defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. But first it's important to understand the following terms:

Ten Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.

Seven Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.

Five Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.

Continue uncovering your authentic self with the complete exercises found in Self Matters.

Noticing

2009-02-19T23:15:00.002-06:00

Hmm... I'm noticing that yesterday I tagged my food journal with "heartburn" and today I tagged it with "crabby."

That's fine, except that I did *not* feel the need to tag previous days, when I was feeling just fine, or even really GOOD with "happy" or "feelin' groovy."

Big breath. Letting go of judgment and just noticing.

I think I need to take note more of what I want more of in my life, not just note the negatives.

Rethinking .....

I want more smiles. :-)

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 9

2009-02-19T22:58:00.006-06:00

No lunch today at all. I didn't feel hungry until about 5:30 p.m., but I was crabby all day, with a headache and a bit of that congestion that makes every sound stand out as if you're wearing an amplifier that slightly distorts everything. It cleared up around 4-4:30 ... but not before I resorted to caffeine to try to alleviate the headache -- which explains why I'm still up doing this instead of going to bed where I belong. I'll pay in the morning for this indulgence.

Anyway, here's today's visual food diary, minus the caffeinated tea:

Breakfast held me all day!

No lunch, just tea. It was good: Memoir of a Geisha cherry blossom black tea from the Republic of Tea. I just should have stopped drinking it earlier in the day.

Dinner, since I was feeling crabby all day, was a crab salad. (Tee hee) You won't see the crab in the photo, but believe me, it was there, under the greens and guacamole and pico de gaillo -- and PEA sprouts! Too much crab, though. Feeling kind of "blech" now about it.

Dinner accompaniment: bread - boring.

And dessert. Just cuz.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 8

2009-02-18T20:14:00.006-06:00

So ... today I've had a little bit of heartburn, ever since breakfast. I wonder if it's because I haven't had any milk at all. Hmmm.

Breakfast and lunch at my desk again; work is crazy this week.

Dinner was tasty and light.

And then, dessert:

I'm going for a glass of milk now, and if that doesn't help, there's always Tums.

Something's Different

2009-02-18T20:04:00.003-06:00

I had to snap this picture because it is evidence that something in our household is shifting. I'm not sure why, or where it will go, or whether this is just an aberration that means nothing. But my commitment to mindfulness dictates that I at least make note of it.

It seems like a little thing -- but in the last 10 years or so, these two cats have *never* been seen snuggling like this. We currently have 3 cats; two tend to hang out a *lot* together; the third is almost always either alone of snuggled with a human being. These guys are like magnets: two stick together, and when the third is introduced into any equation involving either of the others, someone leaves.

Until this morning.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 7

2009-02-17T20:35:00.006-06:00

[As with all my pictures, click on the image and the link will take you to the original on Flickr, where you can read more about it, including the "recipe" for the soup.]

So ... this photo journal is doing good things. Not only am I remembering to take my vitamins and other supplements (although I didn't take a photo today ... I wonder if I could / should use an old one ... I wonder) -- I'm also remembering to do something else that is important for my health, happiness, and well-being ... which I'm hesitant to mention because it's just a little embarrassing, but here goes: with certain foods don't really agree with my body, even though they're good for me in many other ways -- but if I take a few little Beano pills with the meal, I don't suffer NEARLY as much as when I forget. And lately, I'm remembering! So I've been much more comfortable in my own body, as a result. And THAT is the whole point!!!

So -- here's today's visual food journal, complete except for two cups of tea.

Two meals today at my desk -- I'm going to judge that "okay" as long as it's not every day!

One thing I noticed today: no snacking when I got home -- not even while I was cooking supper. Not sure why, just didn't have the urge. Of course, the ingredients were not anything I'd nibble at: raw potatoes (using my Chop Wizard is fun), leftover salsa and pasta sauce, dry TVP, frozen corn and chorizo; but that wouldn't normally stop me from digging in the bag of Dove chocolates (which I didn't) or munching on a piece of bread, cheese, or chips. None of that today.

Hmmmm.... wheat cereal and milk, with extra cinnamon ... a single-serving can of tuna in water plus soapy-tasting pretzels ... combined with two cups of various teas (one DID have caffiene ... is that a factor?) = no snacking before dinner. And I worked extra late (til 5:30) and didn't get home until 6. Interesting.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 6

2009-02-16T21:54:00.003-06:00

Simple breakfast; lunch included this bread and water, and one of my favorite soups (creamy mushroom) at Sala de Pranzo, which I forgot to snap a picture of.

The best part of dinner was the salad of greens, grape tomatoes, pine nuts, curry naan cut up at the bottom of the bowl, white cheddar, and orange pieces -- with Sesame dressing. I make good salads.

The cookie was good but boring: oatmeal with no raisins. Hardly seems worth it.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 5

2009-02-15T20:59:00.005-06:00

Sunday brunch -- excellent food in a beautiful historic building. It's a one-meal day, again without vitamins.

Back home ... after a very satisfying meal at Hubbard Park Lodge, there was little need for anything but a snack the rest of the day.

Aware of how fortunate I am

2009-02-15T20:52:00.002-06:00

Celebrating the good in my life -- mindfulness and gratitude about the romantic, good-hearted man who is my husband. Love sometimes leaves me feeling wordless.

From my notes

2009-02-15T19:15:00.004-06:00

Taking time to be present, witness, and learn more about myself through the sharing of others.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 4

2009-02-15T17:54:00.003-06:00

Running out of the house quickly in order to be on time for a meeting, John kindly made me a quick meal of peanut butter on toasted naan, with milk ... but I did forget my vitamins.

Just one cookie as a treat from a friend:

An early romantic dinner before a movie *and* musical:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 3

2009-02-13T23:15:00.003-06:00

I'm a little self-conscious about snapping pictures of everything I'm eating, but the practice is doing its job: making me stop and think.

Breakfast was lighter than previous days:

And I almost forgot vitamins, but remembered at the last minute.

Lunch was leftover oranges and a cup of green tea. Not enough -- I could easily have stopped off after work for freshly-baked (oozing grease) hot chocolate chip cookies ... if I hadn't had to consider taking a photo of them first. So I didn't.

Stopped to shop for Valentine's Day before going home, and caught this companionable moment at the local bookstore. Mindfulness is about more than food!

By dinner time, I was so hungry! But still didn't do badly.

Again ... mindfulness is about more than food. The photo food journal is making me think of other ways to be mindful with my camera as witness.

Mulling this idea ....

Food Choices - Photo Journal: Day 2

2009-02-12T23:06:00.005-06:00

Two days, and I'm already seeing something I want to be more mindful, more careful about: dinner. Sometimes I'm really good at putting a sound meal together. Usually, I am snacking as soon as I get home, and even if the meal is a good one, I've already eaten enough by the time I'm done cooking that I should only nibble at dinner ... but I don't.

So, here's today's photo food diary:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 1

2009-02-11T19:11:00.005-06:00

Oh, how I love words! They help me put my world in order. I could spend my whole life trying to find exactly the right words to tell about my life in the first person -- instead of living it in the first person.

A new tack -- more mindfulness in my food choices, through the process of photographing my food before I eat it. In fact, this has worked in my favor already today; instead of going downstairs for a Dove ice cream bar after dinner, knowing I'd have to photograph it (and, therefore, THINK about it) first ... I decided not to.

Here's what I've had today:

Thoughts about the New Question

2009-02-11T07:18:00.002-06:00

I'm aware that words are getting in my way. Words are what I use to rationalize choices that take me AWAY from my mission of being the best "me" possible at every moment, given the resources I have at hand.

The new question is about tacking toward that goal. Unlike a paved road, the path I'm on is unmarked, like the lanes for marine and air traffic: the navigators are constantly making tiny corrections, based on weather and air and obstacles and other traffic. But eventually, they reach their destination. I need to stay mindful of the destination, and make corrections along the way.

Words are also in the way of my goal of healthy eating ... I'm trying something else. To be more mindful of what I'm eating, I know it helps to keep a food diary -- but I'm either compulsive or lax about things like that. Again, tracking in words those things that go into my body hasn't helped me much -- I'm still not where I want to be. So, starting today, I'm keeping a photo journal of my food choices. Not sure where it will go, but it's a little step toward my goals.

Evolving the Question

2009-02-08T20:55:00.003-06:00

"What does healthy mean?" is an excellent question. I don't think it' MY question any longer.

I know what healthy means, for me. Physically, it means I'm active, full of energy (or tired out because of wholesome activity), enjoying full range of motion, and full range of my senses. Mentally, it means peace of mind -- or, if something is worrisome, it means I'm doing all I am able to bring about the highest and best outcome for everyone involved. Emotionally and spiritually, it means being in gratitude for all the wonders in my life, expressing and sharing all I can.

Formulating a new question ... something that asks about bringing about more health in my life, in all the areas above. What action am I taking RIGHT NOW to bring me closer to the ideal of "health," rather than in the opposite direction.

Somehow, I have to either make different decisions ... or make the decision that somehow, cheesecake and milkshakes ARE bringing one step closer to either mental or spiritual health. There does seem to be an intrinsic conflict with the physical health goal, though. Cognitive dissonance! Argh.

Ah, but, giving credit where credit is due -- John and I took a long walk today in the beautiful sunshine (steps toward physical health), stopped to talk for quite a while with neighbors (mental and emotional health), and tonight John came home from a movie I didn't want to see (good decision for both of us - mental and emotional health!) and asked me to come outside with him to see the beautiful full moon and a "star" in the West that must be a planet, it was so bright (emotional and spiritual health).

Yes, there are many good, healthy decisions I make every day. Dwelling on those, rather than on the fact that I stray from the path with cheesecake and milkshakes, is healthy.

Healthy Visual Thesaurus

2009-02-03T22:24:00.005-06:00

See the visual thesaurus in motion. Note: the video is silent.

What it's not....

2009-02-02T22:28:00.003-06:00

Why is it so much easier to define what ISN'T healthy -- or what might lead toward or away from "health" -- than it is to actually answer the question, "what does healthy mean?"

I want to begin defining what healthy looks like, feels like, and what it IS -- so I can begin to know when I'm on the path toward it, instead of on my way in the opposite or tangential direction.

But instead, I can say pretty definitively that a dinner of 1/2 a box of Dove ice cream bites and a small plate of leftover spaghetti is probably "not healthy." Evidence: how I feel right now.

Why do I allow myself to be ruled by a gang of tastebuds that don't give a lick (tee hee) about the rest of the body, as long as they get to bathe in smooth chocolate, cool creamy ice cream, and other such things? They're tyrants, they are!

How can I win them over in my quest for "healthy"?!?!

One strategy I am using almost daily: breakfast. My tastebuds are pretty pleased with the combinations of ingredients I've been putting at the bottom of the bowl each morning for a couple of weeks (fruit, yogurt, and other treats) ... and my body is pretty pleased with the fact that it has high-quality fuel to run on all morning: oatmeal!

Here's today's combination: frozen pineapple, frozen raspberries, a little swirl of lemon curd, and vanilla yogurt. Mmmm.

Holding Our Ground

2009-01-24T15:15:00.001-06:00

So much of my "what does healthy mean?" question begins, at its heart, with emotional and spiritual health. I really believe that if I can stay in integrity emotionally and spiritually, my mental and physical health will naturally align. Conversely, when my emotions are running wild and my spirit is giving me messages I'm ignoring (or furiously denying, or twisting and contorting until they are indecipherable), I find myself feeling mentally confused or frustrated, and physically depleted.

Too often, I tangle myself up in the issues of those I love and want to help or protect. Even when I know intellectually that those are not only NOT MY PROBLEMS, and when I know intuitively and concretely that when I get overly involved I am not really helping ... I'm impeding the progress of the one I love toward his/her OWN growth and ability to handle their own issues.

It's difficult for me to perceive that I am "needed" and not to respond in a way that is giving of myself, not just empowering of the other.

Am I making sense? It's hard for me to simply hold my space and be empathetic, but not respond to the impulse within myself (and the request, at times, from the "other") to "fix it" for them.

Even when I've been verbally very clear that the response the "other" wants from me is not available.

It's healthy to hold my ground -- for US to hold OUR ground (John and me) -- even when a little sacrifice on our part might ease the squeeze the "other" is feeling as a result of the choices they have made.

We have settled into a comfortable quiet lifestyle that we have become quite happy with in the year or so since our loyal and true companion, Cinnamon, died. We have seriously considered adopting a very young, very athletic, very energetic, fairly large dog -- not because we are tired of our quiet lifestyle, but because there is a "need" that we could fill. It would turn our world upside down, remove the relatively new found freedom we enjoy (including the ability to leave home for extended periods of time without worrying much about what the pets are doing -- the three cats can pretty much take care of themselves for an entire weekend!), and would need to become the focus of our lives in order to give him consistent training and exercise.

Waffle, waffle, waffle. Serious mood swings. Serious consideration, in both direction. This is a serious decision -- one that will impact us for the next 15 years or so, if we decide yes.

We decided "no."

When and if we decide to add another dog to our household, it will be because both of us have come to the decision that FOR US, it is time to do so. And we will carefully consider the personality traits that we believe will fit in well with our pride of cats. And us.

It doesn't mean we are any less compassionate about the dilemma facing our loved one. It doesn't mean that we are unwilling to give counsel and solace in the hard times ahead.

It does mean that the pet will have to stay elsewhere, even in the next week or two while a new family situation is arranged.

Holding our ground is so difficult. But in the end, it feels good to know we are honoring not only ourselves and our relationship with one another, but also the relationship we have with our loved one -- and respecting her enough to believe that she will handle this situation in her own way, with her own resources, in her own time, to the best of her ability. And that, in doing so, "the best of her ability" is growing and blossoming and getting stronger. So that she can both handle the next challenge with more skill and ease -and- use a larger reservoir of experience in order to avoid laying the foundation for similar situations in the future.

It's called loving detachment. But it's so hard.

Procrastination

2009-01-22T20:45:00.000-06:00

I've started this blog to help me explore the question(s), as a repository for musings and clippings and thoughts and resources I might find.

Today, I'm using it as a place for all that, but I'm mindful that I'm also not prepared for a presentation I'm doing tomorrow night. Why am I doing this instead of preparing for tomorrow?

Is procrastination healthy?

Okay, to be fair to my Self, I have to admit I'm not totally procrastinating. Some of what I've done instead of getting ready for tomorrow is necessary: final edits on the summer camp brochure. That's healthy. And I *have* been assembling materials for tomorrow night's gathering.

I'm just not prepared with what I could really call a ritual. And part of that is a discomfort with creating a ritual that might not feel authentic. Setting the stage for sharing among the women who will gather tomorrow night ... I'm comfortable with that. But "ritual" carries more weight, more solemnity, and requires more than just copying bits from this source and that. I don't feel qualified to do a ritual.

That feels authentic. Not pretending. That's healthy.

Now I know how to prepare for tomorrow night. No more procrastination necessary.

Collaging the Question

2009-01-22T20:29:00.001-06:00

"What does healthy mean?"

2009-01-21T21:47:00.000-06:00

I'd made a mistake: I'd given the little girls french-cut green beans. They were too flat for this 4-year-old to stab with her fork; whole green beans would have been better. Whole green beans would have been finger food, and fun.

But if I hadn't made the french-cut-green-bean mistake, I wouldn't have been trying to get Makenzie to eat her green beans.

And she wouldn't have given me the question I've been holding for the last four weeks.