"I'm melting ...."

Well, I'm not made of stone, after all. I'm crying for the loss of hope that my mom will ever be "my mom" again ... since she died this morning ... without ever really wanting to speak with me again.

As I have expressed elsewhere, I feel as if a door I have been trying to push open for 22 years has suddenly been removed. Not opened, just gone.

Grief sucks, but it paves the way for truly moving on.

indomitable

So ... I was thinking about how "down" I've been today. And that reminded me of my favorite Garfield cartoon of all time, so I put in some keywords and found a reference to it in Wikipedia ("early 80's" they said). Then, I found a reference to a Garfield archive someone put online. I cannot believe it took me less than a half hour to find it. I can't believe I spent a half hour finding it. I can't believe I found it! And I can't believe how it cheered me up to look for and find it.

Sometimes, my spirit is indomitable. And sometimes the answer to "who cares?" is to change what I care ABOUT.

So here's my cartoon. To give credit where credit is due, I found it in this online archive. And I am very grateful for the refocus of my energies!

P.S. - it was published in October, 1983. My second-favorite Garfield cartoon references a chocolate chip cookie. I'll have to find that one, next!

Sometimes the question is "who cares?"

Emotionally exhausted.

Replenishing our Oxygen -- and adding some fun to our front yard!

We decided that we need to plant something in the maple's place -- it's already been a few years since one of the mature American Maples in our front yard choked itself to death (the roots were left wrapped around themselves when it was planted), and it's time we planted SOMEthing. If it's going to happen THIS year, it needs to be at the beginning of the growing season, so the tree has all summer to establish itself, and will weather the winter okay.

We started out looking at Japanese Maples; John really likes them, and I think they're pretty. But they want filtered sun, and they don't handle the wind well. Wind might not be a problem here, but the sun in our front yard isn't going to be filtered.

We saw some nice Magnolia trees (not what people around here call "tulip trees" -- real magnolias) -- but I'm just not sure how hardy it would be here in Wisconsin. I've never seen one blooming, which means either they're not popular here -or- they don't survive. At $130, that's not a chance I want to take, I guess.

We looked at a Newport Plum, with nice red leaves, but the leaves aren't very big -- it's more of an ornamental than a real tree.

We looked at a Honey Crisp apple tree -- it appeals to me to actually have a fruit tree with a crop ... but I'm not sure how much upkeep (spraying, pruning, rotting fruit if you don't harvest in time) it might need. We might think about that for the back yard, though. It still appeals to me. One problem with an apple tree in the front yard is I don't think it would be quite what we're going for.

So we looked and looked, and then we remembered that we had talked about Quaking Aspen. I love the shape of its leaves; I love how it looks shimmering in the breeze; I love how it sounds. Just for fun, we went to look at them ... and John remembered HE likes them, too. We looked at what they had at Minor's Garden center (Kathe recommends for good trees and shrubs, and it's guaranteed for a year). Tromped around for a good 2 hours, looking at different sizes in different locations. We narrowed it down to 3, then went looking for a shrub to put on the side of the garage ... then went to check out the 3 trees again. On the way, I saw MORE of the quaking aspens, which we hadn't yet seen. We found a really nice one, compared it to the 3 we'd set aside, and settled on the last one we spotted. Paid for it today, and delivery / planting by the experts. It should happen in the next 2-3 weeks, they say.

I'm so excited! Looking at other trees as we made our way home, I could only think "you are NOT a quaking aspen! Ha!" about all the poor trees stiffly swaying in the wind. Coming toward our house from LaSalle, I could imagine what it's going to look like to see it shimmering in our front yard, quivering with excitement that we're coming home. I'm so excited!

It will grow, ultimately, to between 30-50' tall, with a spread of 20-30' wide. And, I could be wrong, but I think it's a NATIVE!

Just wanted to share our excitement.....

Encouraging

What are the important things I need to do in my life?

Okay, that's a tall order. But I was just feeling melancholy that I don't see some people I love often enough ... and it occurred to me that we currently spend a lot of money to go to a summer camp each year -- where we see people we have come to care deeply for and certainly love. But maybe we ought to make time and money and put that effort into an annual or bi-annual trip to the west coast to see people we love, as well. Washington, Sacramento, Mill Valley ... little pieces of my heart live in each of these places, and I'm realizing I have the power to do something about following them more frequently than we have been doing in the past.

Likewise, and with much less cost and travel time, we could make annual visits to Tomahawk, Rhinelander, Green Bay, Homewood (?), and Merrill (?) -- my goodness, I'm not even certain of the town names of some of the places in closer proximity to us.

Okay -- it's a matter of making it happen!

Focused

Four days ago, it said I'd reach my goal in mid-March 2010. Thumbs up!

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
-- Viktor Frankl

1974, age 17

1978, age 21

1982, age 26

Age 10, 5th grade

Sophomore year of high school, 15 years old

Age 15

Age 16

Definitely not thin during this period. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the fact that our family had a little bit more money during this period of time.

Why did I grow up thinking I was fat?

Pictures from my mother

My sister called me Saturday to tell me that my mother, who is now 86, has been moved to the terminal wing of the hospital. Today, a greeting card box full of pictures arrived in the mail. The earliest pictures were taken shortly after my birth in 1956 and the latest were taken shortly after my daughter was born in 1986.

I last spoke with my mother in August, 1988. Since then, she has declined all my efforts to see her or speak with her. That hurt more than I can begin to express in words.

I hope she gets better and lives happily until she is 92, as did her mother. If she doesn't, I hope her passing will be peaceful.

I wish I could say I will miss her ... but I've already missed having a mother for over 20 years, now.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. I just don't know.

Smogasbord vs. Focus

Well here I am on the smorgasbord again. Not holding a single question, but exploring on several fronts. Sigh.

I started last week writing Morning Pages again (3 pages, longhand, first thing in the morning; doesn't matter what you write, only *that* you write) and began Week 1 of Julia Cameron's Walking in this World on Tuesday. Wrote Morning Pages 4 out of 5 days; took a longer-than-prescribed walk today with John, Shannon, and Amy; and need to plan my Artist Date to happen before next Tuesday. Might be best if I do it yet this afternoon, I think!

Aha! I didn't go anywhere Sunday afternoon, but I *did* realize I'd already done an Artist's Date in the first week: I went to Ace Hardware and shopped around for essentials to give Lauren in her high school graduation gift of a basic toolbox to take to college. Yea!