All Hallows Eve reflections

I love Halloween. This year, John and I went to see Shannon and Josh in northern Illinois on Saturday and stayed overnight, which always allows a little more "hanging out" time than a hit-and-run visit. Josh's family (mom & dad, sister & boyfriend, brother & girlfriend) joined us and we all walked about a mile to see the town's annual display of carved pumpkins. Then back to Shannon&Josh's house for potluck and pumpkin carving of our own -- always fun!

Amy and Mason had less fun -- Mason's been getting one cold virus after another, and spent most of Saturday night sleeping only about 45 minutes at a time -- so Amy was pretty beat by the time we got home on Sunday afternoon. And last night we were all up from about midnight until 2:30 because the little guy woke up screaming, wheezing, crouping, and vomiting.

As I attempted to fall back to sleep, I was reminded of my friend Julie Ann's earlier comment that the veil between the two worlds is thinnest on Halloween ... and I believe I experienced my very first inkling of any "communication" from my mom since she died a year and a half ago.

I was dead tired by the time I finally hit the pillow, but I couldn't get to sleep, so I found myself marveling at how all 3 of us had taken our roles to work as a team in our little crisis; me taking Mason from Amy (covered in vomit) so she could talk to the phone nurse without him wailing in their ears, John helping me get Mason out of his pajamas and handing me wet washcloths, then cleaning up the floor and sink while I cradled and comforted the diapered baby.

I was wondering whether Amy had found it helpful or irritating that I was humming and singing almost constantly (it seemed to calm him, and he often sang along) as we attended to Mason -- cleaning him up, turning the bathroom into a steam room to see if it helped his breathing (it did), and waiting for an hour before he could have anything to drink again (to see if he had a stomach virus, as well).

Upon reflection as I lay in bed, I found myself thinking, calmly, surely, "I am a GOOD grandma." And, further reflecting, I thought, "I am a GOOD MOM."

Anyone who knows me understands how revolutionary this is -- I am always doubting myself, especially in those roles. This was such a flood of certainty, accompanied by an undefinable, indescribable flow of *something* that I can only say seemed to give an impression of my mother ... the mom I grew up loving and adoring and spent most of my adult life missing ... and I found myself teary.

My mother's most significant gift to me was her absence from my life, which allowed me the space to become the good mom and the good grandma that I have grown to be. I am also very grateful for the perspective that allows me to finally, unreservedly, acknowledge these accomplishments.

Pickin' up my crest, dustin' it off, and movin' on

Choosing is so much easier when life is going smoothly!

I'm disappointed that I chose to allow myself the indulgence of drama and anger and hurt and depression when things got rough.

I am better now. Still waiting to hear what kind of action can be taken, should be taken, for damage control. But not mentally and physically KO'd anymore.

Movin' on.


OH! And I took a walk again today; met John about a mile away, where he had a hair cut ... then home. AND I ate vegetarian today. Yes, I'm back.

Crestfallen

My community of choice would be one that lives up to (or at least conscientiously holds mindfulness about) these principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unfortunately, my experience is that the first principle goes out the window as soon as someone feels "wronged" in some way. Then, the inherent worth and dignity of the "OTHER" is discarded in the righteous indignation of the offended party. And nothing seems powerful enough to pull us back on course, back to mindfulness that we are all striving to live by these principles -- that this is what we have in COMMON. Only what divides us, what makes ME better than THEM, is important anymore.

I'm so disappointed. And I'm not exempt from transgressing in the same way. I want to have my wrongs righted, and when I'm whipped into this righteous indignation myself, I forget completely that the OTHER also has inherent worth and dignity.




It makes me want to live on a deserted island, sometimes. It's so much easier to be mindful, alone.

And yet, community is something I value so highly ....

Pondering imponderables.

Can these principles and human nature be reconciled? Or are they ideals unreachable by mere humans?

Mindful Choices: Day 2

1. John and I had a picnic dinner in the park!, 2. UWM's Downer Woods, 3. Klode Beach Park - Whitefish Bay, WI, 4. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 5. Sunset, 6. Crocuses where yesterday there were none!, 7. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 8. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 9. Kane and Amy, 10. UWM Alumni House, 11. Taking the stairs, 12. My favorite Irishman, 13. UWM's Downer Woods

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Took an hour and a half walk today with Amy and Kane, from UWM to Atwater Beach Park, to the Alumni House, and back to UWM. Also chose the stairs on my way to a 3rd floor meeting in Sabin, and walked around Klode Beach Park with John after work.

The weather was at least 70 degrees, even near the lake. What a beautiful day!

Mindful Choices: Day 1

1. Blossoms!, 2. Dinner at Harry's restuarant, 3. The long walkway to parking garage, 4. Winter debris, 5. Looking up at Enderis Hall, 6. Looks like a tack in the tire..., 7. Reflecting, 8. Pita and hummus, 9. Verboten, 10. Steep stairway to the lake -- off limits., 11. UWM Alumni House, 12. Cereal and scone, 13. Gorgeous exterior

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Movement:

• Walked the full block (don't laugh, I'm trying) from Maryland and Hartford to work (rather than John dropping me at the door).


• Walked for over an hour at lunchtime! Went toward the lake, saw garden sculptures and blossoming spring flowers, lots of sunshine, and enjoyed every minute of it, despite a little briskness in the air. Lovely!

• Enjoyed waiting outside for John after work, and walking to the parking garage.
  

Fuel:

• At my desk: vitamins, cereal and skim milk, low fat cranberry/orange scone, Spicy Mountain Peach Tea = breakfast


• At my desk: 7 tiny pitas with about 5 oz. of plain hummus = lunch (oops! 2.5 hours later, and the hummus isn't sitting very well ... glad I have Tums. I think there was too much garlic. "Too much garlic?!? No such thing!!" I'd love to say. But, in reality .... Well, on second thought, perhaps it was the hummus with the Peach Tea chaser. In any case, here come the Tums.)

• At Harry's restaurant: pan-seared scallops with angel-hair pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, and white wine sauce and bread.
  

• At the Last Drop Coffee Shop: August Vanilla Bean Steamer. Truly delicious.

Spirit:

• Photography. It felt so great to take pictures of something besides food!

• Took a different direction and different route for my lunchtime walk than I ever have before, and saw lots of wonderful things I hadn't seen before. And having my camera with me means I could also record some of them. Even wiating for John was enjoyable with my camera to keep me company.
  

• Sunshine! What more do I need to say!?!

• Lovely dinner and companionable evening with my wonderful husband!
  

Choosing to walk ... with bare toes!

Yeah, it was warm today! I wore the flip-flops to prove to myself that I could.

John and me.

Not a long walk, but it sure felt good!

Choosing not to move, again

It's too easy to settle in, even with an awareness that I should move, that I want to move. Settling in with the computer, with the TV, with food. I wanted to take a walk today, but not badly enough to actually do it. I did have a headache, and took a 2.5 hour nap ... but then, instead of taking a walk, I checked my email, finished making the spinach pie I started yesterday, and generally wasted the rest of my day.

It doesn't help that I'm watching 98-pound Michele Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. I have to get a perspective on what's possible and reasonable to expect for MY body. And just do it.

Choosing to Notice - Looking Up

This view of this building reminds me of "perspective drawing" in high school art class!

The sky is so much more interesting with clouds ....

I couldn't even see what I was taking a picture of in the viewfinder, because it was so bright . The sun was behind those clouds, just blazing away.

It feels good to be taking pictures of the world around me again.

"oh, my...." re: me from the outside

This is definitely a good direction for me to go, if my goal is to be mindful and bring my body image into alignment with reality. I'm not exactly sure whether that's a good idea, overall, though.

I looked at my last blog posting this morning, again. I can't express to you how hard it is for me to absorb the fact that those are images of how I really look.

I have LONG wished that mirrors had never been invented, because I could then believe I was absolutely beautiful, based on how other people respond to me -- honest, it's good! But when I see 'me' I know it's something besides my appearance they're responding to -- which is also good -- but feels incongruent.

ANYWAY ... my only worry in this expedition is that there are things that are irreconcilable. I may be able to lose weight and pare down my overall mass ... but there's nothing I will reasonably do about the overbite, the broken nose, the ... age. Sigh.

I am I.

Onward.

Choosing what to believe

"Fat and happy" is a phrase I've known and heard all my life. My own experience, especially in my young adulthood, seemed to reinforce the truism that those two attributes go hand in hand, inevitably.

I'm aware that I have evidence of the power of my mind. Visualizing clear, unscarred skin above my eyebrow a few years ago ... along with regular, mindful application of vitamin E/ calendula / lavender oil plus commercially-famous Mederma ... has yielded amazing nearly-scar-free healing of the injury I received when a windblown door crashed down on me at a rummage sale. When one sees other scars I've sustained, when I ignore injuries, it's difficult to believe this scar-free healing is even possible. But mindful choice has its rewards!

Therefore, I'm edging toward another mindful choice ... one that I need to sidle up to rather than confront head-on, lest I scare it (or myself) away. I'm edging toward focusing mindfully on forming for myself a *realistic* body image.

I'm too happy in my life to want to risk throwing it away, in case the "fat and happy" axiom is true for me.

But I'm edging toward believing (and believing is the first step toward realization) that I can be this happy and *not fat.* Creating and sustaining a realistic concept of the size my body is right now ... might be a step in the right direction.

For a start ... this is me, at the end of August 2008. Happy, and ... let's just say, "heavier than I'd like to be."

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 10

A great day: worked from home and romantic dinner with John.

Breakfast, in dishes I actually made myself!



Lunch at home. John made the tumbler I drank my milk out of.



Snack -- instead of a Dove ice cream bar:



Lovely romantic dinner:



Dessert

Mindful about Money

This thought-provoking article about how we spend our money was written by my friend Nikki.

John and I try to remember to patronize local businesses like coffee shops and restaurants, and even grocery stores. It really does take mindfulness, though.


From: http://www.newsreview.com/chico/Content?oid=914517

Let it blossom, let it flow
Soul of Money message can save our nation

By Nikki Schlaishunt
More stories by this author...
Chico resident Nikki Schlaishunt is a writer, social activist, and early childhood educator.

Keep it flowing—that’s what Lynne Twist says in her book The Soul of Money. Spending money is one of the most useful ways of enacting our values, of expressing and taking steps to enact our vision of a better future. Fear shuts us down; fear stops the flow.

Economically, things are tough right now, and will likely get tougher. This is all the more reason to invest in each other, to invest in our communities, to work together. We have to ask ourselves, “Do we want to live in fear, or do we want to work for hope?”

Keep it flowing. We do not just exchange paper when we buy something, be it with cash or check or charge. We exchange ideals; we pass on hope or fear. It is all in what we buy and to whom we give our money.

Some of us are struggling just to pay the bills, to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. But even we find ourselves with a little extra change. When I was a kid, my mom used to save up her pennies and dimes, then take us out to Big Al’s for ice cream. We didn’t have much, but we kept what we had flowing.

Some of us are not struggling—we have enough to take care of ourselves and our families and then some. Even so, it is hard not to buy into the fear, hard not to clench down on what we do have.

A closed fist feels safer, less exposed, than an open hand. But a closed fist also cuts us off from each other. An open hand allows us to unite, and united we are stronger. I am not saying don’t save. I am saying we should not save out of fear, but out of hope for the future. Keep it flowing.

We have a beautiful opportunity right now to grow a healthier, stronger nation. We have an opportunity to live in hope. We have an opportunity to help ourselves by helping others, and in the process grow stronger, more resilient, more vibrant communities.

Shop locally—support those people in your community who run small shops, restaurants, co-ops. Hire locally—if you have extra, pay someone to organize your garage, clean your house, weed your yard. Donate locally—small local nonprofits are the most vulnerable during economic downturns, and yet they hire your neighbors, help your community, and make a direct difference in the place where you live.

This is our challenge: Give into fear, or open up to hope? That choice is enacted, in large part, through how we spend our money.

Noticing

Hmm... I'm noticing that yesterday I tagged my food journal with "heartburn" and today I tagged it with "crabby."

That's fine, except that I did *not* feel the need to tag previous days, when I was feeling just fine, or even really GOOD with "happy" or "feelin' groovy."

Big breath. Letting go of judgment and just noticing.

I think I need to take note more of what I want more of in my life, not just note the negatives.

Rethinking .....



I want more smiles. :-)

Aware of how fortunate I am

Celebrating the good in my life -- mindfulness and gratitude about the romantic, good-hearted man who is my husband. Love sometimes leaves me feeling wordless.

From my notes

Taking time to be present, witness, and learn more about myself through the sharing of others.

Food Choices - Photo Journal: Day 2

Two days, and I'm already seeing something I want to be more mindful, more careful about: dinner. Sometimes I'm really good at putting a sound meal together. Usually, I am snacking as soon as I get home, and even if the meal is a good one, I've already eaten enough by the time I'm done cooking that I should only nibble at dinner ... but I don't.

So, here's today's photo food diary: