All Hallows Eve reflections

I love Halloween. This year, John and I went to see Shannon and Josh in northern Illinois on Saturday and stayed overnight, which always allows a little more "hanging out" time than a hit-and-run visit. Josh's family (mom & dad, sister & boyfriend, brother & girlfriend) joined us and we all walked about a mile to see the town's annual display of carved pumpkins. Then back to Shannon&Josh's house for potluck and pumpkin carving of our own -- always fun!

Amy and Mason had less fun -- Mason's been getting one cold virus after another, and spent most of Saturday night sleeping only about 45 minutes at a time -- so Amy was pretty beat by the time we got home on Sunday afternoon. And last night we were all up from about midnight until 2:30 because the little guy woke up screaming, wheezing, crouping, and vomiting.

As I attempted to fall back to sleep, I was reminded of my friend Julie Ann's earlier comment that the veil between the two worlds is thinnest on Halloween ... and I believe I experienced my very first inkling of any "communication" from my mom since she died a year and a half ago.

I was dead tired by the time I finally hit the pillow, but I couldn't get to sleep, so I found myself marveling at how all 3 of us had taken our roles to work as a team in our little crisis; me taking Mason from Amy (covered in vomit) so she could talk to the phone nurse without him wailing in their ears, John helping me get Mason out of his pajamas and handing me wet washcloths, then cleaning up the floor and sink while I cradled and comforted the diapered baby.

I was wondering whether Amy had found it helpful or irritating that I was humming and singing almost constantly (it seemed to calm him, and he often sang along) as we attended to Mason -- cleaning him up, turning the bathroom into a steam room to see if it helped his breathing (it did), and waiting for an hour before he could have anything to drink again (to see if he had a stomach virus, as well).

Upon reflection as I lay in bed, I found myself thinking, calmly, surely, "I am a GOOD grandma." And, further reflecting, I thought, "I am a GOOD MOM."

Anyone who knows me understands how revolutionary this is -- I am always doubting myself, especially in those roles. This was such a flood of certainty, accompanied by an undefinable, indescribable flow of *something* that I can only say seemed to give an impression of my mother ... the mom I grew up loving and adoring and spent most of my adult life missing ... and I found myself teary.

My mother's most significant gift to me was her absence from my life, which allowed me the space to become the good mom and the good grandma that I have grown to be. I am also very grateful for the perspective that allows me to finally, unreservedly, acknowledge these accomplishments.

Pictures from my mother

My sister called me Saturday to tell me that my mother, who is now 86, has been moved to the terminal wing of the hospital. Today, a greeting card box full of pictures arrived in the mail. The earliest pictures were taken shortly after my birth in 1956 and the latest were taken shortly after my daughter was born in 1986.

I last spoke with my mother in August, 1988. Since then, she has declined all my efforts to see her or speak with her. That hurt more than I can begin to express in words.

I hope she gets better and lives happily until she is 92, as did her mother. If she doesn't, I hope her passing will be peaceful.

I wish I could say I will miss her ... but I've already missed having a mother for over 20 years, now.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. I just don't know.

Crestfallen

My community of choice would be one that lives up to (or at least conscientiously holds mindfulness about) these principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unfortunately, my experience is that the first principle goes out the window as soon as someone feels "wronged" in some way. Then, the inherent worth and dignity of the "OTHER" is discarded in the righteous indignation of the offended party. And nothing seems powerful enough to pull us back on course, back to mindfulness that we are all striving to live by these principles -- that this is what we have in COMMON. Only what divides us, what makes ME better than THEM, is important anymore.

I'm so disappointed. And I'm not exempt from transgressing in the same way. I want to have my wrongs righted, and when I'm whipped into this righteous indignation myself, I forget completely that the OTHER also has inherent worth and dignity.




It makes me want to live on a deserted island, sometimes. It's so much easier to be mindful, alone.

And yet, community is something I value so highly ....

Pondering imponderables.

Can these principles and human nature be reconciled? Or are they ideals unreachable by mere humans?

Mindful Choices: Day 1

1. Blossoms!, 2. Dinner at Harry's restuarant, 3. The long walkway to parking garage, 4. Winter debris, 5. Looking up at Enderis Hall, 6. Looks like a tack in the tire..., 7. Reflecting, 8. Pita and hummus, 9. Verboten, 10. Steep stairway to the lake -- off limits., 11. UWM Alumni House, 12. Cereal and scone, 13. Gorgeous exterior

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Movement:

• Walked the full block (don't laugh, I'm trying) from Maryland and Hartford to work (rather than John dropping me at the door).


• Walked for over an hour at lunchtime! Went toward the lake, saw garden sculptures and blossoming spring flowers, lots of sunshine, and enjoyed every minute of it, despite a little briskness in the air. Lovely!

• Enjoyed waiting outside for John after work, and walking to the parking garage.
  

Fuel:

• At my desk: vitamins, cereal and skim milk, low fat cranberry/orange scone, Spicy Mountain Peach Tea = breakfast


• At my desk: 7 tiny pitas with about 5 oz. of plain hummus = lunch (oops! 2.5 hours later, and the hummus isn't sitting very well ... glad I have Tums. I think there was too much garlic. "Too much garlic?!? No such thing!!" I'd love to say. But, in reality .... Well, on second thought, perhaps it was the hummus with the Peach Tea chaser. In any case, here come the Tums.)

• At Harry's restaurant: pan-seared scallops with angel-hair pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, and white wine sauce and bread.
  

• At the Last Drop Coffee Shop: August Vanilla Bean Steamer. Truly delicious.

Spirit:

• Photography. It felt so great to take pictures of something besides food!

• Took a different direction and different route for my lunchtime walk than I ever have before, and saw lots of wonderful things I hadn't seen before. And having my camera with me means I could also record some of them. Even wiating for John was enjoyable with my camera to keep me company.
  

• Sunshine! What more do I need to say!?!

• Lovely dinner and companionable evening with my wonderful husband!
  

"oh, my...." re: me from the outside

This is definitely a good direction for me to go, if my goal is to be mindful and bring my body image into alignment with reality. I'm not exactly sure whether that's a good idea, overall, though.

I looked at my last blog posting this morning, again. I can't express to you how hard it is for me to absorb the fact that those are images of how I really look.

I have LONG wished that mirrors had never been invented, because I could then believe I was absolutely beautiful, based on how other people respond to me -- honest, it's good! But when I see 'me' I know it's something besides my appearance they're responding to -- which is also good -- but feels incongruent.

ANYWAY ... my only worry in this expedition is that there are things that are irreconcilable. I may be able to lose weight and pare down my overall mass ... but there's nothing I will reasonably do about the overbite, the broken nose, the ... age. Sigh.

I am I.

Onward.

Reflecting ....

Questions to consider

* What is my question or my focus?

My question has been "What am I choosing, in the space between stimulus and response?" For the most part, my focus in holding this question has been on the food choices I'm making.


* What have been my challenges to this?


My challenges have been maintaining mindfulness. In an attempt to do something completely different to help me THINK about the food choices I'm making, I decided to keep a visual food journal, photographing everything I plan to eat and reflecting on how it's affecting me.

I'm also facing a new challenge in the last few days -- some boredom with the routine of photographing and posting the visual food journal. It's becoming less mindful and more rote, the longer it goes on ... but I hate to stop because I've had such positive results with it. A long time ago, I read that it takes 30 days to establish a new habit. I want to persevere for at least 30 days, in the hope that the new mindful choice-making in the area of food will endure if I do. To combat the challenge, I'm changing up the routine of actually posting, a little -- I don't want to mess with the commitment to photograph my food choices just yet. There's still huge value in that practice for me.


* What have been my successes around this?

My successes have been amazing! I've written about this a little before, but the most significant success has been that ... while my original intention was simply to RECORD what I was eating, without altering my choices FOR the journal ... the actual effect of KEEPING the journal was to make me actually reconsider the merit of various choices PRIOR to settling on a final decision -- and very often, to choose something much less fatty, much less sugary, and much more "healthy" ... plus, often, simply "much less" ... than I might have without the prospect of those choices appearing in the visual food diary.

I'm honestly not sure what the impetus for this change of choices is

• simply being mindful that I *am* making choices ... and therefore actually *taking* the moment to do so with some thought instead of mechanically.
  
• embarrassment about what other people might be *seeing* that I'm eating ... although I'm not absolutely certain this blog is being viewed by anyone on a regular basis, and I'm not sure whether anyone who might be viewing it would actually be *judging* me for my choices.
• realization of patterns of behavior as I prepare and review each day's choices.
  

* What might be a next step?

A next step, which I began today, might be to add time of day to the food journal. I'm interested to observe, and possibly adjust, the timing. For example, I've long been aware that eating later in the evening results more predictably in heartburn for me. *Where* I eat also has an impact on my choices -- incorporating more context in my visual food journal might assist in bringing some useful insights in that area, as well.

Choosing what to believe -- in particular, about my body vs. the image I hold in my mind about my body -- is another "next step." I haven't developed that beyond some intermittent mindfulness, but I believe there's some definite value there.

I've also begun playing with a "next step" that considers other "body rituals" besides eating, in my life. Since much of what I do is repetitive from day to day (brush teeth, take a shower, get dressed, sit at my desk endlessly during the workday), without mindfulness there is no real "choosing" going on. With mindfulness, every routine behavior becomes a ritual with meaning.

Another ongoing "next step" has been to keep mindful of how we spend our money. When we're mindful, we try to support local businesses.

* Is a new question called for?

I think holding this question is still important and relevant for me.

Holding Myself Accountable to my Self

It occurs to me, as I look back over the past 12 days of visual food logs, that this may be the first time in a very long time that I have held myself accountable for a goal *I* have set for my *self.*

Even "take a photo a day" fun stuff, I've pretty much petered out on. The "take a photo of everything I eat" project has been eye-opening for me in many ways. I'm starting to get bored, though, and I'm noticing a lot of repetitive-looking photos. One day, when I had two soft drinks of the same flavor and brand, I actually DID post the photo twice. But that's not the point. The point is ... I *have* photographed, I have posted, and I have reflected on what I've been eating. Not just AFTER it's gone, either!

I think that's the difference with this, vs. writing down what I've eaten in a day. I can "remember" what's already eaten, in retrospect, with a written log. With a photo journal, I have to be mindful of it BEFORE IT PASSES MY LIPS.

Well, for the most part. Half of lunch was gone today before I remembered.

But the point remains. I make choices because I have to DO something before I eat it.

And I'm making better choices, as a result.

This is good.