All Hallows Eve reflections

I love Halloween. This year, John and I went to see Shannon and Josh in northern Illinois on Saturday and stayed overnight, which always allows a little more "hanging out" time than a hit-and-run visit. Josh's family (mom & dad, sister & boyfriend, brother & girlfriend) joined us and we all walked about a mile to see the town's annual display of carved pumpkins. Then back to Shannon&Josh's house for potluck and pumpkin carving of our own -- always fun!

Amy and Mason had less fun -- Mason's been getting one cold virus after another, and spent most of Saturday night sleeping only about 45 minutes at a time -- so Amy was pretty beat by the time we got home on Sunday afternoon. And last night we were all up from about midnight until 2:30 because the little guy woke up screaming, wheezing, crouping, and vomiting.

As I attempted to fall back to sleep, I was reminded of my friend Julie Ann's earlier comment that the veil between the two worlds is thinnest on Halloween ... and I believe I experienced my very first inkling of any "communication" from my mom since she died a year and a half ago.

I was dead tired by the time I finally hit the pillow, but I couldn't get to sleep, so I found myself marveling at how all 3 of us had taken our roles to work as a team in our little crisis; me taking Mason from Amy (covered in vomit) so she could talk to the phone nurse without him wailing in their ears, John helping me get Mason out of his pajamas and handing me wet washcloths, then cleaning up the floor and sink while I cradled and comforted the diapered baby.

I was wondering whether Amy had found it helpful or irritating that I was humming and singing almost constantly (it seemed to calm him, and he often sang along) as we attended to Mason -- cleaning him up, turning the bathroom into a steam room to see if it helped his breathing (it did), and waiting for an hour before he could have anything to drink again (to see if he had a stomach virus, as well).

Upon reflection as I lay in bed, I found myself thinking, calmly, surely, "I am a GOOD grandma." And, further reflecting, I thought, "I am a GOOD MOM."

Anyone who knows me understands how revolutionary this is -- I am always doubting myself, especially in those roles. This was such a flood of certainty, accompanied by an undefinable, indescribable flow of *something* that I can only say seemed to give an impression of my mother ... the mom I grew up loving and adoring and spent most of my adult life missing ... and I found myself teary.

My mother's most significant gift to me was her absence from my life, which allowed me the space to become the good mom and the good grandma that I have grown to be. I am also very grateful for the perspective that allows me to finally, unreservedly, acknowledge these accomplishments.

My True Inheritance and My Legacy

I'm convinced that, no matter the circumstances, losing our mothers is never easy. If she was ideal (who is?!?!), we mourn the loss of that relationship; if she was less than ideal, we mourn the loss of that which was supportive and the hope of ever filling the gap left by that which never quite met our needs. In the end, we all just do what we can, as daughters and as mothers, and hope it might be enough, I guess.

I am so grateful for the circles of women I have been a part of, all these years. Without that deep sharing of all the separate stories that have intertwined in my heart and mind -- I'm certain I could NOT have unraveled and resolved as much of my "mother-stuff" as I have over the years. There is a tendency in my family of origin to BURY things rather than to resolve them; I have had mentors and role models who have helped me to shun that tendency, to bring feelings and fears out into the light, to take a stand for what is good and feels right for me and my immediate family, and who have supported me every step of the way. For all of you -- I am grateful to my core.

Thank you for your amazing, thoughtful, insightful and very helpful responses.

You hit the nail right on the head: I did lose my mother -- if I ever "had" her -- long, long ago. I have been trying not to judge my own heart connection, all these years yearning for the affection of a woman who could be so mean and selfish ... not just "in the end," but apparently -- if I'd let myself acknowledge the truth -- throughout her life and mine. But I wanted to believe that the mean and selfish things were not really her choices, but the influence of others ... my dad, my sister, my brother. Intellectually, for most of my life, I have known and acknowledged that even if they WERE influences, it was still HER decision to allow them to shape her interactions with me and others in the world outside the "safety zone" she fashioned for herself, where her mythology of victimhood could survive. Part of me always wanted to believe that "if only" I could sit and talk and spend time with her -- away from them --then I could set her free to enjoy the world of beauty *and* truth that I have perceived. But the prisoner didn't want to leave -- she was her own warden.

You are also so very correct that I am stronger *because* of the things I have experienced. I'm also a better mom because of what my own mother did and did not choose to do or to be. Difficult as that road has been, I am grateful; I take very little for granted when it comes to love and mothering and family.

And, again ... speaking of family ... you are again on target with the observation that family is more than biology. I am grateful for the spiritual family I've been blessed with, including all the sisters and all the circles!

Now that it's all over, and I've had some time to adjust to the idea that my IDEAL of Erika apparently was no where near the REALITY of her -- I'm sad, but also relieved I didn't get what I wanted so badly all these years: to be back in relationship with her. Because, to be honest about who she really was ... NOT having her in my life allowed me to nurture and grow within mySELF those traits I cherished about her:

• joy,
  
• play,
  
• childlike delight and awe,
• appreciation of beauty and music and art and creativity,
  
• a sense of adventure and culture,
  
• being strong and knowledgeable about medical and legal issues,
  
• seeing the bright side of things

-- without having those ideals clouded and diminished by her other strong character traits of pettiness and self-interest, and neediness and small-mindedness that (sigh) were truly a reality.



I'm looking outside at our new little quaking aspen and I am reminded that there is so much beauty in the world, so much to be excited about, and how much I am loved. When our tree was planted on Wednesday, I couldn't contain my delight. John said, "so ... another wish come true! I'll be running out of them soon!" I told him that the only other wish I need him to fulfill for me is to stay with me the rest of my life.

Life is good. The rest is just plot, setting, characters ...

"I'm melting ...."

Well, I'm not made of stone, after all. I'm crying for the loss of hope that my mom will ever be "my mom" again ... since she died this morning ... without ever really wanting to speak with me again.

As I have expressed elsewhere, I feel as if a door I have been trying to push open for 22 years has suddenly been removed. Not opened, just gone.

Grief sucks, but it paves the way for truly moving on.

indomitable

So ... I was thinking about how "down" I've been today. And that reminded me of my favorite Garfield cartoon of all time, so I put in some keywords and found a reference to it in Wikipedia ("early 80's" they said). Then, I found a reference to a Garfield archive someone put online. I cannot believe it took me less than a half hour to find it. I can't believe I spent a half hour finding it. I can't believe I found it! And I can't believe how it cheered me up to look for and find it.

Sometimes, my spirit is indomitable. And sometimes the answer to "who cares?" is to change what I care ABOUT.

So here's my cartoon. To give credit where credit is due, I found it in this online archive. And I am very grateful for the refocus of my energies!

P.S. - it was published in October, 1983. My second-favorite Garfield cartoon references a chocolate chip cookie. I'll have to find that one, next!

Mindful Choices: Day 3

1. Another cool house, 2. Sidewalk Art, 3. Tanya and me, walking, 4. City Market - Shorewood, WI

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Another walk at lunch - only about 50 minutes, leisurely pace because Tanya had 3" heels on. Fresh air, great to talk with her after her trip to Riyadh. Felt good!

Mindful Choices: Day 2

1. John and I had a picnic dinner in the park!, 2. UWM's Downer Woods, 3. Klode Beach Park - Whitefish Bay, WI, 4. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 5. Sunset, 6. Crocuses where yesterday there were none!, 7. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 8. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 9. Kane and Amy, 10. UWM Alumni House, 11. Taking the stairs, 12. My favorite Irishman, 13. UWM's Downer Woods

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Took an hour and a half walk today with Amy and Kane, from UWM to Atwater Beach Park, to the Alumni House, and back to UWM. Also chose the stairs on my way to a 3rd floor meeting in Sabin, and walked around Klode Beach Park with John after work.

The weather was at least 70 degrees, even near the lake. What a beautiful day!

Mindful Choices: Day 1

1. Blossoms!, 2. Dinner at Harry's restuarant, 3. The long walkway to parking garage, 4. Winter debris, 5. Looking up at Enderis Hall, 6. Looks like a tack in the tire..., 7. Reflecting, 8. Pita and hummus, 9. Verboten, 10. Steep stairway to the lake -- off limits., 11. UWM Alumni House, 12. Cereal and scone, 13. Gorgeous exterior

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Movement:

• Walked the full block (don't laugh, I'm trying) from Maryland and Hartford to work (rather than John dropping me at the door).


• Walked for over an hour at lunchtime! Went toward the lake, saw garden sculptures and blossoming spring flowers, lots of sunshine, and enjoyed every minute of it, despite a little briskness in the air. Lovely!

• Enjoyed waiting outside for John after work, and walking to the parking garage.
  

Fuel:

• At my desk: vitamins, cereal and skim milk, low fat cranberry/orange scone, Spicy Mountain Peach Tea = breakfast


• At my desk: 7 tiny pitas with about 5 oz. of plain hummus = lunch (oops! 2.5 hours later, and the hummus isn't sitting very well ... glad I have Tums. I think there was too much garlic. "Too much garlic?!? No such thing!!" I'd love to say. But, in reality .... Well, on second thought, perhaps it was the hummus with the Peach Tea chaser. In any case, here come the Tums.)

• At Harry's restaurant: pan-seared scallops with angel-hair pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, and white wine sauce and bread.
  

• At the Last Drop Coffee Shop: August Vanilla Bean Steamer. Truly delicious.

Spirit:

• Photography. It felt so great to take pictures of something besides food!

• Took a different direction and different route for my lunchtime walk than I ever have before, and saw lots of wonderful things I hadn't seen before. And having my camera with me means I could also record some of them. Even wiating for John was enjoyable with my camera to keep me company.
  

• Sunshine! What more do I need to say!?!

• Lovely dinner and companionable evening with my wonderful husband!
  

Choosing to Notice - Looking Up

This view of this building reminds me of "perspective drawing" in high school art class!

The sky is so much more interesting with clouds ....

I couldn't even see what I was taking a picture of in the viewfinder, because it was so bright . The sun was behind those clouds, just blazing away.

It feels good to be taking pictures of the world around me again.

Noticing

Hmm... I'm noticing that yesterday I tagged my food journal with "heartburn" and today I tagged it with "crabby."

That's fine, except that I did *not* feel the need to tag previous days, when I was feeling just fine, or even really GOOD with "happy" or "feelin' groovy."

Big breath. Letting go of judgment and just noticing.

I think I need to take note more of what I want more of in my life, not just note the negatives.

Rethinking .....



I want more smiles. :-)