My True Inheritance and My Legacy

I'm convinced that, no matter the circumstances, losing our mothers is never easy. If she was ideal (who is?!?!), we mourn the loss of that relationship; if she was less than ideal, we mourn the loss of that which was supportive and the hope of ever filling the gap left by that which never quite met our needs. In the end, we all just do what we can, as daughters and as mothers, and hope it might be enough, I guess.

I am so grateful for the circles of women I have been a part of, all these years. Without that deep sharing of all the separate stories that have intertwined in my heart and mind -- I'm certain I could NOT have unraveled and resolved as much of my "mother-stuff" as I have over the years. There is a tendency in my family of origin to BURY things rather than to resolve them; I have had mentors and role models who have helped me to shun that tendency, to bring feelings and fears out into the light, to take a stand for what is good and feels right for me and my immediate family, and who have supported me every step of the way. For all of you -- I am grateful to my core.

Thank you for your amazing, thoughtful, insightful and very helpful responses.

You hit the nail right on the head: I did lose my mother -- if I ever "had" her -- long, long ago. I have been trying not to judge my own heart connection, all these years yearning for the affection of a woman who could be so mean and selfish ... not just "in the end," but apparently -- if I'd let myself acknowledge the truth -- throughout her life and mine. But I wanted to believe that the mean and selfish things were not really her choices, but the influence of others ... my dad, my sister, my brother. Intellectually, for most of my life, I have known and acknowledged that even if they WERE influences, it was still HER decision to allow them to shape her interactions with me and others in the world outside the "safety zone" she fashioned for herself, where her mythology of victimhood could survive. Part of me always wanted to believe that "if only" I could sit and talk and spend time with her -- away from them --then I could set her free to enjoy the world of beauty *and* truth that I have perceived. But the prisoner didn't want to leave -- she was her own warden.

You are also so very correct that I am stronger *because* of the things I have experienced. I'm also a better mom because of what my own mother did and did not choose to do or to be. Difficult as that road has been, I am grateful; I take very little for granted when it comes to love and mothering and family.

And, again ... speaking of family ... you are again on target with the observation that family is more than biology. I am grateful for the spiritual family I've been blessed with, including all the sisters and all the circles!

Now that it's all over, and I've had some time to adjust to the idea that my IDEAL of Erika apparently was no where near the REALITY of her -- I'm sad, but also relieved I didn't get what I wanted so badly all these years: to be back in relationship with her. Because, to be honest about who she really was ... NOT having her in my life allowed me to nurture and grow within mySELF those traits I cherished about her:

• joy,
  
• play,
  
• childlike delight and awe,
• appreciation of beauty and music and art and creativity,
  
• a sense of adventure and culture,
  
• being strong and knowledgeable about medical and legal issues,
  
• seeing the bright side of things

-- without having those ideals clouded and diminished by her other strong character traits of pettiness and self-interest, and neediness and small-mindedness that (sigh) were truly a reality.



I'm looking outside at our new little quaking aspen and I am reminded that there is so much beauty in the world, so much to be excited about, and how much I am loved. When our tree was planted on Wednesday, I couldn't contain my delight. John said, "so ... another wish come true! I'll be running out of them soon!" I told him that the only other wish I need him to fulfill for me is to stay with me the rest of my life.

Life is good. The rest is just plot, setting, characters ...