My True Inheritance and My Legacy

I'm convinced that, no matter the circumstances, losing our mothers is never easy. If she was ideal (who is?!?!), we mourn the loss of that relationship; if she was less than ideal, we mourn the loss of that which was supportive and the hope of ever filling the gap left by that which never quite met our needs. In the end, we all just do what we can, as daughters and as mothers, and hope it might be enough, I guess.

I am so grateful for the circles of women I have been a part of, all these years. Without that deep sharing of all the separate stories that have intertwined in my heart and mind -- I'm certain I could NOT have unraveled and resolved as much of my "mother-stuff" as I have over the years. There is a tendency in my family of origin to BURY things rather than to resolve them; I have had mentors and role models who have helped me to shun that tendency, to bring feelings and fears out into the light, to take a stand for what is good and feels right for me and my immediate family, and who have supported me every step of the way. For all of you -- I am grateful to my core.

Thank you for your amazing, thoughtful, insightful and very helpful responses.

You hit the nail right on the head: I did lose my mother -- if I ever "had" her -- long, long ago. I have been trying not to judge my own heart connection, all these years yearning for the affection of a woman who could be so mean and selfish ... not just "in the end," but apparently -- if I'd let myself acknowledge the truth -- throughout her life and mine. But I wanted to believe that the mean and selfish things were not really her choices, but the influence of others ... my dad, my sister, my brother. Intellectually, for most of my life, I have known and acknowledged that even if they WERE influences, it was still HER decision to allow them to shape her interactions with me and others in the world outside the "safety zone" she fashioned for herself, where her mythology of victimhood could survive. Part of me always wanted to believe that "if only" I could sit and talk and spend time with her -- away from them --then I could set her free to enjoy the world of beauty *and* truth that I have perceived. But the prisoner didn't want to leave -- she was her own warden.

You are also so very correct that I am stronger *because* of the things I have experienced. I'm also a better mom because of what my own mother did and did not choose to do or to be. Difficult as that road has been, I am grateful; I take very little for granted when it comes to love and mothering and family.

And, again ... speaking of family ... you are again on target with the observation that family is more than biology. I am grateful for the spiritual family I've been blessed with, including all the sisters and all the circles!

Now that it's all over, and I've had some time to adjust to the idea that my IDEAL of Erika apparently was no where near the REALITY of her -- I'm sad, but also relieved I didn't get what I wanted so badly all these years: to be back in relationship with her. Because, to be honest about who she really was ... NOT having her in my life allowed me to nurture and grow within mySELF those traits I cherished about her:

• joy,
  
• play,
  
• childlike delight and awe,
• appreciation of beauty and music and art and creativity,
  
• a sense of adventure and culture,
  
• being strong and knowledgeable about medical and legal issues,
  
• seeing the bright side of things

-- without having those ideals clouded and diminished by her other strong character traits of pettiness and self-interest, and neediness and small-mindedness that (sigh) were truly a reality.



I'm looking outside at our new little quaking aspen and I am reminded that there is so much beauty in the world, so much to be excited about, and how much I am loved. When our tree was planted on Wednesday, I couldn't contain my delight. John said, "so ... another wish come true! I'll be running out of them soon!" I told him that the only other wish I need him to fulfill for me is to stay with me the rest of my life.

Life is good. The rest is just plot, setting, characters ...

My Inheritance

Yesterday, I got an envelope addressed by my sister, with my mother's initials as the return address. Inside were 4 items:

1. A printed card with a quote: "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

2. A printed slip of paper with some prayer ... I think it said something about St. Francis ... which was wrapped around

3. A one-dollar bill, folded twice

4. A two-sided photocopy (same on both sides), cut top and bottom with pinking shears. The text is in my mother's handwriting, and says, roughly "To my other children [and she names four of us], they have made their choice for their life, and for my life, and so I leave them each a token of $1.00 to make it legal. My mother-love is undying, and lives on for my children, my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. Like the sunshine and the black velvet of night, it surrounds you and each raindrop that touches your skin is a kiss from me. God bless you all, Your mother"


And all I could think was -- huh. I'm glad I didn't make the effort to go see her. Apparently, she died as self-absorbed and self-centered as she lived ... which would explain why she didn't make any effort to close the gap between us (despite my efforts for the first many years).



And then I thought: what a mean and spiteful way to leave things. Petty, and mean, and spiteful ... and totally unnecessary.



And sad.



I'm okay ... I'm just mulling.



And hoping with all my heart that I inherited none of her pettiness (I have) or meanness (I have) or spitefulness (I have).



And, in the absence of any hope that I escaped that inheritance, I am relieved that I am certain I also have a sense of deep connection with those I love, a fierce protectiveness that would subordinate my own self-interest for the safety and security of my loved ones, and empathy and compassion, which my mother apparently completely lacked.



I will be working on mindfulness -- carefully extracting and mindfully highlighting for myself those characteristics I cherish about myself that may have had roots in my relationship with my mother. I need to separate the gems from the slag ... but right now it all just seems... very ... sad. And distant. Like it's not mine. Except to examine. Later.

Dear Mom

In the mirror
I see flashes of you.
You were young, once,
And beautiful.
Then you were my age.
At thirty-eight
You already had six children.





In the mirror
I see flashes of you
When the sun strikes
My made-up face
And shadows the lines,
The pores,
The pouches of extra flesh
Dragging my face
Toward the earth.





In the mirror
I see flashes of you.
I am aging, mother.
And you won't see me.

March 25, 1996
from journal entry dated January 26, 1995

My Grandfather

Curt Albert Walter
had almost no hair.
And almost no genius.
Except the ability
to make a comfortable living
as a banker
and to remain gentle
amidst the war.
And to choose a wife
of exceedingly strong will and character
to lead them to safety
through the mud
and winter cold
and danger zones.



January, 1996

My Mother

Marriage

to a man who placed her
on a pedestal --
in a glass box
whose key only he possessed --
must have seemed to her
a haven
a place with thorns among the roses
and only a small price to pay
compared to
fearing for her life in Nazi Germany
where her mother's mysterious heritage
COULD have been construed as "undesirable"
and the whole family whisked away
like so many others ...

Or compared to
running away from the advancing Russian army
on foot
across Czechoslovakia
where German citizenship put her at risk,
a despised refugee ....

In a world, formerly comfortable
and privileged,
now torn by guns
and bombs
and hate ... a world of fear,
mortal danger,
deprivation, scarcity, and
uncertainty,

perhaps

the fact that her rescuer
was also her jailer
seemed only a small price to pay
for security.



January 11, 1996
from journal entry dated October 31, 1995

"I'm melting ...."

Well, I'm not made of stone, after all. I'm crying for the loss of hope that my mom will ever be "my mom" again ... since she died this morning ... without ever really wanting to speak with me again.

As I have expressed elsewhere, I feel as if a door I have been trying to push open for 22 years has suddenly been removed. Not opened, just gone.

Grief sucks, but it paves the way for truly moving on.

indomitable

So ... I was thinking about how "down" I've been today. And that reminded me of my favorite Garfield cartoon of all time, so I put in some keywords and found a reference to it in Wikipedia ("early 80's" they said). Then, I found a reference to a Garfield archive someone put online. I cannot believe it took me less than a half hour to find it. I can't believe I spent a half hour finding it. I can't believe I found it! And I can't believe how it cheered me up to look for and find it.

Sometimes, my spirit is indomitable. And sometimes the answer to "who cares?" is to change what I care ABOUT.

So here's my cartoon. To give credit where credit is due, I found it in this online archive. And I am very grateful for the refocus of my energies!

P.S. - it was published in October, 1983. My second-favorite Garfield cartoon references a chocolate chip cookie. I'll have to find that one, next!

Sometimes the question is "who cares?"

Emotionally exhausted.

Replenishing our Oxygen -- and adding some fun to our front yard!

We decided that we need to plant something in the maple's place -- it's already been a few years since one of the mature American Maples in our front yard choked itself to death (the roots were left wrapped around themselves when it was planted), and it's time we planted SOMEthing. If it's going to happen THIS year, it needs to be at the beginning of the growing season, so the tree has all summer to establish itself, and will weather the winter okay.

We started out looking at Japanese Maples; John really likes them, and I think they're pretty. But they want filtered sun, and they don't handle the wind well. Wind might not be a problem here, but the sun in our front yard isn't going to be filtered.

We saw some nice Magnolia trees (not what people around here call "tulip trees" -- real magnolias) -- but I'm just not sure how hardy it would be here in Wisconsin. I've never seen one blooming, which means either they're not popular here -or- they don't survive. At $130, that's not a chance I want to take, I guess.

We looked at a Newport Plum, with nice red leaves, but the leaves aren't very big -- it's more of an ornamental than a real tree.

We looked at a Honey Crisp apple tree -- it appeals to me to actually have a fruit tree with a crop ... but I'm not sure how much upkeep (spraying, pruning, rotting fruit if you don't harvest in time) it might need. We might think about that for the back yard, though. It still appeals to me. One problem with an apple tree in the front yard is I don't think it would be quite what we're going for.

So we looked and looked, and then we remembered that we had talked about Quaking Aspen. I love the shape of its leaves; I love how it looks shimmering in the breeze; I love how it sounds. Just for fun, we went to look at them ... and John remembered HE likes them, too. We looked at what they had at Minor's Garden center (Kathe recommends for good trees and shrubs, and it's guaranteed for a year). Tromped around for a good 2 hours, looking at different sizes in different locations. We narrowed it down to 3, then went looking for a shrub to put on the side of the garage ... then went to check out the 3 trees again. On the way, I saw MORE of the quaking aspens, which we hadn't yet seen. We found a really nice one, compared it to the 3 we'd set aside, and settled on the last one we spotted. Paid for it today, and delivery / planting by the experts. It should happen in the next 2-3 weeks, they say.

I'm so excited! Looking at other trees as we made our way home, I could only think "you are NOT a quaking aspen! Ha!" about all the poor trees stiffly swaying in the wind. Coming toward our house from LaSalle, I could imagine what it's going to look like to see it shimmering in our front yard, quivering with excitement that we're coming home. I'm so excited!

It will grow, ultimately, to between 30-50' tall, with a spread of 20-30' wide. And, I could be wrong, but I think it's a NATIVE!

Just wanted to share our excitement.....

Encouraging

What are the important things I need to do in my life?

Okay, that's a tall order. But I was just feeling melancholy that I don't see some people I love often enough ... and it occurred to me that we currently spend a lot of money to go to a summer camp each year -- where we see people we have come to care deeply for and certainly love. But maybe we ought to make time and money and put that effort into an annual or bi-annual trip to the west coast to see people we love, as well. Washington, Sacramento, Mill Valley ... little pieces of my heart live in each of these places, and I'm realizing I have the power to do something about following them more frequently than we have been doing in the past.

Likewise, and with much less cost and travel time, we could make annual visits to Tomahawk, Rhinelander, Green Bay, Homewood (?), and Merrill (?) -- my goodness, I'm not even certain of the town names of some of the places in closer proximity to us.

Okay -- it's a matter of making it happen!

Focused

Four days ago, it said I'd reach my goal in mid-March 2010. Thumbs up!

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
-- Viktor Frankl

1974, age 17

1978, age 21

1982, age 26

Age 10, 5th grade

Sophomore year of high school, 15 years old

Age 15

Age 16

Definitely not thin during this period. I wonder whether it has anything to do with the fact that our family had a little bit more money during this period of time.

Why did I grow up thinking I was fat?

Pictures from my mother

My sister called me Saturday to tell me that my mother, who is now 86, has been moved to the terminal wing of the hospital. Today, a greeting card box full of pictures arrived in the mail. The earliest pictures were taken shortly after my birth in 1956 and the latest were taken shortly after my daughter was born in 1986.

I last spoke with my mother in August, 1988. Since then, she has declined all my efforts to see her or speak with her. That hurt more than I can begin to express in words.

I hope she gets better and lives happily until she is 92, as did her mother. If she doesn't, I hope her passing will be peaceful.

I wish I could say I will miss her ... but I've already missed having a mother for over 20 years, now.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel at this point. I just don't know.

Smogasbord vs. Focus

Well here I am on the smorgasbord again. Not holding a single question, but exploring on several fronts. Sigh.

I started last week writing Morning Pages again (3 pages, longhand, first thing in the morning; doesn't matter what you write, only *that* you write) and began Week 1 of Julia Cameron's Walking in this World on Tuesday. Wrote Morning Pages 4 out of 5 days; took a longer-than-prescribed walk today with John, Shannon, and Amy; and need to plan my Artist Date to happen before next Tuesday. Might be best if I do it yet this afternoon, I think!

Aha! I didn't go anywhere Sunday afternoon, but I *did* realize I'd already done an Artist's Date in the first week: I went to Ace Hardware and shopped around for essentials to give Lauren in her high school graduation gift of a basic toolbox to take to college. Yea!

Visual Food Diary Study: How About THAT?!?!

I just received a tip from the RealAge.com people that says a study shows when people snap a picture of what they eat, they make better choices ... which is just what *I* was saying!

How 'bout that!!?!?

If you would like to read the article, please click this link to take you to the RealAge tip.

Gallup Higher Education Division

StrengthsQuest™

Below are my Signature Themes — my five most dominant themes of talent, ranked in the order revealed by my responses to the Clifton StrengthsFinder.

As you may know, the Clifton StrengthsFinder measures the 34 themes of talent determined by The Gallup Organization as those that most consistently predict outstanding performance. The greater the presence of a theme of talent within a person, the more likely that person is to spontaneously exhibit those talents in day-to-day behaviors.

Focusing on natural talents helps people build them into strengths, and enjoy personal, academic, and career success through consistent, near-perfect performance.

How well do you think these themes describe me?

Learner

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Adaptability

You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

Connectedness

Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

Positivity

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

Taking a Stand vs. Protecting Myself vs. Just Being Mean

I've withdrawn from anything but essential interaction with someone from work. I've been verbally assaulted just once too often, and I'm done pretending I want to have anything but a purely professional relationship.

I've just answered my own question.

In a purely professional relationship, I would still maintain the "niceties" ... saying a pleasant hello, acknowledging a sneeze with "Gesundheit," saying "good night" when I leave.

Last night, it was just the two of us left in the office when I went home. It felt funny (I should have listened to my inner uneasiness), but I was ready to walk out the door when I heard, "are you leaving?" from behind me. "Yes," I responded. "Oh, well, see you tomorrow." "I'll see you Friday," I said, since I was going out of town. "Oh, right! Have a good trip!" "Thanks."

It was mean, petty, and not at all professional.

I'm not good at drawing gray lines. I tend to be better at black and white.

I can do better. I can have a purely professional relationship. I'm sure I can do this.

Being done

It's sometimes difficult for me to tell when to step out of a situation. Exiting gracefully isn't something I have a lot of experience with. It seems as if some people are able to move on and yet keep relationships going ... I tend to leave a workplace or situation -- usually on good terms -- and either intentionally or unintentionally end up cutting almost all ties.

I don't want to do that with this group; but I think it's time for me to step out of the circle.

We'll see how this goes ....

Still not right ....

Something still feels "off" ... working on putting my finger on it, so I can either learn from it or just make it go away ... or both.

Makes me wish I could just stay tucked in bed, some days.

What's important?

Where do we go from here ....?

This seems to be the question occurring to me over and over, lately, for various reasons. I don't think it means relocating our residence. I think it means things are moving ... in many ways, in many directions. I'm also feeling a "what comes next? what do I do now differently than before?" kind of urging, prodding, prompting me to question all kinds of things that I simply left alone before.



Things are definitely moving ... and looking for direction ....

Where do we go from here ....?
Originally uploaded by shrnmc

What am I choosing ... when I feel threatened?

There is a heaviness in my heart, almost a nauseous feeling, and an impulse to escape.

I hate feeling this way.

How much of this is in response to the current situation, and how much is survival response reminding me of past dangers, to urge me to take cover, stay safe, "survive!"?

Physical danger is unlikely in this situation. But my physical and emotional reactions are so intricately tied together, just as my current and past experiences are so intimately tied together, that it is difficult to know what to respond to and what to ignore.

Ignoring danger can result in dire consequences.

I hate feeling this way. I know it's a choice; I'm just not sure what is necessary right now, and what I can discard.

Existential Angst

Again, I find my inner jukebox playing:

Where do we go from here, now that all of the children have grown up?*

It has nothing to do with playing games, this song running through my mind. It has to do with my wondering just what I should be doing with my life right now.

For decades, my predominant focus has been on my children, although admittedly, I've had other foci, as well. But no matter whether I was focused on work or my weight/health, or my marriage or my spirituality, the underlying driving force in my life was my love for my children and doing all I could to ensure their health, their happiness, their education, and their safety ... in the present and in the future.

They are 25 and 23 now. They have long since taken control of their own health, their own happiness, education and safety. It's time for me to figure out the rest of my mission on this planet!

And then, again, maybe it is simply to live a long, happy, prosperous, and beautiful life surrounded by people I love and who love me.

Maybe, that's all that's required of me.

Maybe.

* Games People Play by the Alan Parsons Project

Question: how many hours a day can one focus on a project without getting sidetracked?

My experience this week says the answer is about 11.

Pickin' up my crest, dustin' it off, and movin' on

Choosing is so much easier when life is going smoothly!

I'm disappointed that I chose to allow myself the indulgence of drama and anger and hurt and depression when things got rough.

I am better now. Still waiting to hear what kind of action can be taken, should be taken, for damage control. But not mentally and physically KO'd anymore.

Movin' on.


OH! And I took a walk again today; met John about a mile away, where he had a hair cut ... then home. AND I ate vegetarian today. Yes, I'm back.

Crestfallen

My community of choice would be one that lives up to (or at least conscientiously holds mindfulness about) these principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unfortunately, my experience is that the first principle goes out the window as soon as someone feels "wronged" in some way. Then, the inherent worth and dignity of the "OTHER" is discarded in the righteous indignation of the offended party. And nothing seems powerful enough to pull us back on course, back to mindfulness that we are all striving to live by these principles -- that this is what we have in COMMON. Only what divides us, what makes ME better than THEM, is important anymore.

I'm so disappointed. And I'm not exempt from transgressing in the same way. I want to have my wrongs righted, and when I'm whipped into this righteous indignation myself, I forget completely that the OTHER also has inherent worth and dignity.




It makes me want to live on a deserted island, sometimes. It's so much easier to be mindful, alone.

And yet, community is something I value so highly ....

Pondering imponderables.

Can these principles and human nature be reconciled? Or are they ideals unreachable by mere humans?

Mindful Choices: Day 3

1. Another cool house, 2. Sidewalk Art, 3. Tanya and me, walking, 4. City Market - Shorewood, WI

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Another walk at lunch - only about 50 minutes, leisurely pace because Tanya had 3" heels on. Fresh air, great to talk with her after her trip to Riyadh. Felt good!

Mindful Choices: Day 2

1. John and I had a picnic dinner in the park!, 2. UWM's Downer Woods, 3. Klode Beach Park - Whitefish Bay, WI, 4. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 5. Sunset, 6. Crocuses where yesterday there were none!, 7. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 8. Atwater Beach Park - Shorewood, WI, 9. Kane and Amy, 10. UWM Alumni House, 11. Taking the stairs, 12. My favorite Irishman, 13. UWM's Downer Woods

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Took an hour and a half walk today with Amy and Kane, from UWM to Atwater Beach Park, to the Alumni House, and back to UWM. Also chose the stairs on my way to a 3rd floor meeting in Sabin, and walked around Klode Beach Park with John after work.

The weather was at least 70 degrees, even near the lake. What a beautiful day!

Mindful Choices: Day 1

1. Blossoms!, 2. Dinner at Harry's restuarant, 3. The long walkway to parking garage, 4. Winter debris, 5. Looking up at Enderis Hall, 6. Looks like a tack in the tire..., 7. Reflecting, 8. Pita and hummus, 9. Verboten, 10. Steep stairway to the lake -- off limits., 11. UWM Alumni House, 12. Cereal and scone, 13. Gorgeous exterior

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Movement:

• Walked the full block (don't laugh, I'm trying) from Maryland and Hartford to work (rather than John dropping me at the door).


• Walked for over an hour at lunchtime! Went toward the lake, saw garden sculptures and blossoming spring flowers, lots of sunshine, and enjoyed every minute of it, despite a little briskness in the air. Lovely!

• Enjoyed waiting outside for John after work, and walking to the parking garage.
  

Fuel:

• At my desk: vitamins, cereal and skim milk, low fat cranberry/orange scone, Spicy Mountain Peach Tea = breakfast


• At my desk: 7 tiny pitas with about 5 oz. of plain hummus = lunch (oops! 2.5 hours later, and the hummus isn't sitting very well ... glad I have Tums. I think there was too much garlic. "Too much garlic?!? No such thing!!" I'd love to say. But, in reality .... Well, on second thought, perhaps it was the hummus with the Peach Tea chaser. In any case, here come the Tums.)

• At Harry's restaurant: pan-seared scallops with angel-hair pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, and white wine sauce and bread.
  

• At the Last Drop Coffee Shop: August Vanilla Bean Steamer. Truly delicious.

Spirit:

• Photography. It felt so great to take pictures of something besides food!

• Took a different direction and different route for my lunchtime walk than I ever have before, and saw lots of wonderful things I hadn't seen before. And having my camera with me means I could also record some of them. Even wiating for John was enjoyable with my camera to keep me company.
  

• Sunshine! What more do I need to say!?!

• Lovely dinner and companionable evening with my wonderful husband!
  

Choosing to walk ... with bare toes!

Yeah, it was warm today! I wore the flip-flops to prove to myself that I could.

John and me.

Not a long walk, but it sure felt good!

Choosing not to move, again

It's too easy to settle in, even with an awareness that I should move, that I want to move. Settling in with the computer, with the TV, with food. I wanted to take a walk today, but not badly enough to actually do it. I did have a headache, and took a 2.5 hour nap ... but then, instead of taking a walk, I checked my email, finished making the spinach pie I started yesterday, and generally wasted the rest of my day.

It doesn't help that I'm watching 98-pound Michele Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. I have to get a perspective on what's possible and reasonable to expect for MY body. And just do it.

Choosing to Notice - Looking Up

This view of this building reminds me of "perspective drawing" in high school art class!

The sky is so much more interesting with clouds ....

I couldn't even see what I was taking a picture of in the viewfinder, because it was so bright . The sun was behind those clouds, just blazing away.

It feels good to be taking pictures of the world around me again.

Reality Check

Eighteen pictures of me (taken with the auto function), superimposed over one another with the collage tool in Picasa. The individual pix are too depressing to post here, but seeing them helped me decide NOT to wear that outfit to work.

No photo journal = heartburn? Really?

I admit that I ate mindlessly, for the most part, yesterday. Not badly, necessarily, just mindlessly.


No photo journal, no accountability?


Well, not quite.


But when I reached what would have been (during a photo-journal day) the end of eating (partly because of mindfulness, partly because it's a pain to pull the camera out and modify the photo journal for a handful of candy!), I kept going. Not a "binge," in the sense of "out of control." But definitely more than I've been indulging for the past 3+ weeks.


And, for that, I suffered. Heartburn. The trigger? Innocent-looking pink and while candies.


I knew better. I did it anyway. This is how we learn.













Photo is used under the creative commons license.

"oh, my...." re: me from the outside

This is definitely a good direction for me to go, if my goal is to be mindful and bring my body image into alignment with reality. I'm not exactly sure whether that's a good idea, overall, though.

I looked at my last blog posting this morning, again. I can't express to you how hard it is for me to absorb the fact that those are images of how I really look.

I have LONG wished that mirrors had never been invented, because I could then believe I was absolutely beautiful, based on how other people respond to me -- honest, it's good! But when I see 'me' I know it's something besides my appearance they're responding to -- which is also good -- but feels incongruent.

ANYWAY ... my only worry in this expedition is that there are things that are irreconcilable. I may be able to lose weight and pare down my overall mass ... but there's nothing I will reasonably do about the overbite, the broken nose, the ... age. Sigh.

I am I.

Onward.

Me, from the Outside

I'm finished with the visual food diary for now. It's clear to me that I don't usually over-eat. I do usually under-move.

Today was another perfect example:

- John dropped me off right outside the building I work in (thank you!)
- I sat at my desk from 8:40 a.m. until 5: 30 p.m., with very few exceptions
- John and I walked to the car (7 minutes)
- and then I sat around the house for the remainder of the night.

The problem is definitely lack of movement.

This is not new news.

I'm just looking for new motivation to get me to do things differently.

The visual food diary helped make me more mindful of what I was eating. I'm hoping a visual record of what I look like from the outside -- all around, not just the part I usually see in the mirror -- might be a visual and mental motivator to get me to MOVE!