Choosing what to believe

"Fat and happy" is a phrase I've known and heard all my life. My own experience, especially in my young adulthood, seemed to reinforce the truism that those two attributes go hand in hand, inevitably.

I'm aware that I have evidence of the power of my mind. Visualizing clear, unscarred skin above my eyebrow a few years ago ... along with regular, mindful application of vitamin E/ calendula / lavender oil plus commercially-famous Mederma ... has yielded amazing nearly-scar-free healing of the injury I received when a windblown door crashed down on me at a rummage sale. When one sees other scars I've sustained, when I ignore injuries, it's difficult to believe this scar-free healing is even possible. But mindful choice has its rewards!

Therefore, I'm edging toward another mindful choice ... one that I need to sidle up to rather than confront head-on, lest I scare it (or myself) away. I'm edging toward focusing mindfully on forming for myself a *realistic* body image.

I'm too happy in my life to want to risk throwing it away, in case the "fat and happy" axiom is true for me.

But I'm edging toward believing (and believing is the first step toward realization) that I can be this happy and *not fat.* Creating and sustaining a realistic concept of the size my body is right now ... might be a step in the right direction.

For a start ... this is me, at the end of August 2008. Happy, and ... let's just say, "heavier than I'd like to be."

Food Choices - Photo Journal: Day 15

Breakfast was just a quick banana - over-ripe and sweet, but ugly:



Lunch wasn't lunch; it was an attempt to keep me going when my stomach started growling around 10:30 this morning. It was too cold to go outside to get some real food, so I settled on a rock ... I mean a bran muffin from the coffee shop in our building. It tasted awful, but the real reminder about why I don't eat these bran muffins came about an hour later when the heartburn started. Ugh.



Dinner was a choice. Four-cheese ravioli with red pasta sauce, Italian bread and butter, green beans, and a special ravioli filled with butternut squash and Vermont maple syrup. Very good, but the portions were too large for comfort.



And, after too much dinner, I regret now that I did indulge in leftover ice cream cake. I did leave most of the fudge layer on the plate, though.

Vegetarian vs. Non-vegetarian

So ... yesterday I started tagging my daily food diary posts as vegetarian or non-vegetarian. If I had anything non-veg in the day, that's what it's tagged.

Visually, it appears that it's pretty even between fully-vegetarian and non-vegetarian days.

But what I've noticed is how I feel when I view the pix of the non-vegetarian meals. I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. I'll have to think about this more. But I think I might be leaning toward being vegetarian again. Life is easier when I'm eating fish and seafood. Easier not to be mindful.

But mindful is what I am choosing.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 16

Breakfast was Amy's favorite fruit (cherries) with Lingonberry preserves, vanilla yogurt, and a little wafer cookie.



Lunch was my favorite creamy mushroom soup at Sala de Pranzo, with my favorite fresh Italian bread, and my absolute favorite companion, John!



Dinner, in the order it was eaten -- 'cause it's Amy's birthday!



Wish I hadn't eaten this. In fact, the last of it went down the disposal.



But THIS was good:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 15

Breakfast, eaten on the way to work and at my desk:



Lunch:



Dinner at the Mongolian Grill:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 14

Breakfast: oatmeal with peaches, raspberry sauce, vanilla yogurt, and mixed frozen berries ... with milk.



DANG! I was just congratulating myself last night for only missing taking a photo of ONE meal, so far. Today makes two. Lunch was a salad grabbed between meetings, and eaten during a conference call. Shoot.

The good news is that it was a mindful choice (if eaten distractedly), with "good for me" ingredients. So, in lieu of an image, here's a description of the salad:

• lots of iceberg lettuce
• a little bit of shredded carrot
• 3 slices of cucumber
• 2 slices of red onion that I didn't eat (I'm working!)
• about two tablespoons of tabouli
• about a quarter cup of fried tofu
• about a quarter cup of spicy many-bean salad (i.e., lentils, chickpeas, red beans)
• about a quarter cup of chow mein noodles

Not so pleasing to look at as a photo, but accurate. :-\

Okay, and dinner and dessert. It's late. I need to go to bed, so this isn't going to be very pretty.

Holding Myself Accountable to my Self

It occurs to me, as I look back over the past 12 days of visual food logs, that this may be the first time in a very long time that I have held myself accountable for a goal *I* have set for my *self.*

Even "take a photo a day" fun stuff, I've pretty much petered out on. The "take a photo of everything I eat" project has been eye-opening for me in many ways. I'm starting to get bored, though, and I'm noticing a lot of repetitive-looking photos. One day, when I had two soft drinks of the same flavor and brand, I actually DID post the photo twice. But that's not the point. The point is ... I *have* photographed, I have posted, and I have reflected on what I've been eating. Not just AFTER it's gone, either!

I think that's the difference with this, vs. writing down what I've eaten in a day. I can "remember" what's already eaten, in retrospect, with a written log. With a photo journal, I have to be mindful of it BEFORE IT PASSES MY LIPS.

Well, for the most part. Half of lunch was gone today before I remembered.

But the point remains. I make choices because I have to DO something before I eat it.

And I'm making better choices, as a result.

This is good.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 13

It occurs to me that my posts are tremendously "me" centered. I guess that's just where I am, and what I'm doing right now in my life. Trying to get my house in order, so to speak. The focus will shift ... it always does. But for now, this is what I'm doin'.

Breakfast was fresh apples, raisins, a big dose of cinnamon, vanilla yogurt, and oatmeal with milk and vitamins.



Almost forgot to photograph lunch at my desk:



Dinner was not very exciting, either:



But dessert was great.

What am I choosing to hear?

People have different tastes in music, food, movies. What's right for one may just be wrong for another.



I'm snug in our old bed in our new temporary bedroom. John is watching a movie both of us know he will enjoy but I won't. It works.

A few minutes ago, I realized I was hearing the sound of gunfire, screaming, suffering. It doesn't matter that it's "not real," that the actors aren't hurt and the gunfire and agony aren't real. It burrows into my being and stays there, long after.

Tonight, I remembered I have choices to make every moment. So I chose to turn on our "going to sleep" CD -- loud.

I'm sure John can't hear it in the living room where he's still watching the movie. And now, I can only hear resonating deep tones and sustained chords played on stringed instruments, punctuated by hauntingly lingering notes of a piano.

A better choice for my peace of mind.

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 12

Breakfast: quick but healthy. No vitamins. :-(



Lunch, of sorts:



To be honest, looking at the pictures of non-vegetarian items in my visual food log are really making me wonder ... do I want to be eating that? It's almost as if I'm feeling embarrassed .... We'll see where that thought goes.

There were two of these in my day. Cold drinks are welcome when hauling stuff up and down stairs. Could have been a beer, but I found myself thinking about how sleepy I'd be after the tastebuds were satisfied and the tiny buzz wore off. Better to drink these or water.



Dinner was a salad with a bit of bread at the bottom of the bowl and a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese. Dessert was the orange. I do love a little change of taste at the end....

What am I choosing when I feel overwhelmed?

We bought a new bed before Christmas. It arrived after Shannon and Josh spent New Year's with us -- we were hoping to create a real guest room for their stay. Next time. However, we still need to set up the new bed. I don't want to just set it up in the same old room with peeling wallpaper and inch-thick dust on the top of the armoire. I want to clean, declutter, strip the wallpaper, paint the walls ... the whole nine yards.

We have a plan in place, but for many reasons, redecorating our bedroom has moved so slowly that at times progress has been virtually imperceptible. Part of the reason for the delay is that I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the whole project. (I can only imagine how overwhelmed I would / will feel if / when we decide to remodel -- not just redecorate -- the kitchen!)

Overwhelmed is a state that leaves me scared and frustrated, and feeling as if I could cry. Actually, it makes me feel like withdrawing and doing *anything* else to avoid whatever it is that is overwhelming me.

So ... avoidance activity: I started the day thinking about what kind of zipped bag or container with a cover I could give as a companion gift to Makenzie, so that the tea set doesn't end up scattered all over creation, and therefore an annoyance instead of a charming way for her and her sisters to play together.



I mentioned my ideas to John. I tried to explain why I thought it would be a good idea to provide *some* way for the 38-piece set to be kept together by the 5-year-old, and the options I was considering. His response was to open what he thought was a dialog about it. After all, the set wouldn't be kept at our house; why not let Makenzie's dad and step-mom worry about it?

I didn't know why, but I felt crushed, said, "okay," and walked away. I felt like crying. Part of it is probably because Makenzie isn't *really* my granddaughter. Part of it was that I was already overwhelmed by the thought of taking the next steps in our shift to the spare bedroom in order to move the redecorating plans forward.

I'm grateful that John confronted me about my reaction to his "dialog." It wasn't easy to hear. But it opened the door for a true conversation between us, allowing me to express to him what was really going on with me:

• Thinking about the Dr. Phil 10 defining moments, 7 critical descisions, and 5 pivotal people had thrown me back into childhood and early adulthood "stuff" that I am happily oblivious about, most of the time.
• Wanting to move forward with the steps necessary to finish the bedroom redecorating already had me anxious, so I was engaged in avoidance activity.
• I was already doubting myself about whether giving some kind of container for the tea set would be considered meddling, given my status as "step-grandmother." John's questioning the value of that effort just confirmed my feeling that I should butt out.
• When I feel overwhelmed I am more comfortable doing *nothing* than I am with the possibility of doing *something* ... wrong. So moving Amy into Shannon's old bedroom was easy. Taking down the futon bunk bed and moving OUR bed into Amy's old room was the next step, and would bring me closer to making more moves and more decisions that might be *wrong.*

We disassembled the bunk bed this morning. It's in the basement now.



We disassembled our bed, and the pieces are in Amy's old room right now. We'll have to finish reassembling today, if we're going to have a place to sleep tonight.



Things are moving along. I'm writing this because, after moving our bed, the sight of everything left in our room to be cleaned, sorted, reconsidered, and moved overwhelmed me again.

Besides, I need to have the clean bed skirt before I can put our bed together again ... and it should be ready to go into the dryer about now.

Between stimulus and response, I chose to feel overwhelmed. John helped open the door to another option, and I chose to take him up on the invitation.

Moving forward ... feels good ... even if it continues to be overwhelming. Stepping away for a while helps.

----- I'm back. -----

And we have a place to sleep tonight:

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 11

Snowstorm at-home day today ....

John made a lovely breakfast, around 11:30 in the morning:



So there was no lunch, really. Just a snack:



And a drink:



Dinner was leftovers from last night:



And, I'm proud to say this was the dessert I chose. :-) I'm making some better choices! Yea, me!

Food Choices: Photo Journal - Day 10

A great day: worked from home and romantic dinner with John.

Breakfast, in dishes I actually made myself!



Lunch at home. John made the tumbler I drank my milk out of.



Snack -- instead of a Dove ice cream bar:



Lovely romantic dinner:



Dessert

Mindful about Money

This thought-provoking article about how we spend our money was written by my friend Nikki.

John and I try to remember to patronize local businesses like coffee shops and restaurants, and even grocery stores. It really does take mindfulness, though.


From: http://www.newsreview.com/chico/Content?oid=914517

Let it blossom, let it flow
Soul of Money message can save our nation

By Nikki Schlaishunt
More stories by this author...
Chico resident Nikki Schlaishunt is a writer, social activist, and early childhood educator.

Keep it flowing—that’s what Lynne Twist says in her book The Soul of Money. Spending money is one of the most useful ways of enacting our values, of expressing and taking steps to enact our vision of a better future. Fear shuts us down; fear stops the flow.

Economically, things are tough right now, and will likely get tougher. This is all the more reason to invest in each other, to invest in our communities, to work together. We have to ask ourselves, “Do we want to live in fear, or do we want to work for hope?”

Keep it flowing. We do not just exchange paper when we buy something, be it with cash or check or charge. We exchange ideals; we pass on hope or fear. It is all in what we buy and to whom we give our money.

Some of us are struggling just to pay the bills, to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. But even we find ourselves with a little extra change. When I was a kid, my mom used to save up her pennies and dimes, then take us out to Big Al’s for ice cream. We didn’t have much, but we kept what we had flowing.

Some of us are not struggling—we have enough to take care of ourselves and our families and then some. Even so, it is hard not to buy into the fear, hard not to clench down on what we do have.

A closed fist feels safer, less exposed, than an open hand. But a closed fist also cuts us off from each other. An open hand allows us to unite, and united we are stronger. I am not saying don’t save. I am saying we should not save out of fear, but out of hope for the future. Keep it flowing.

We have a beautiful opportunity right now to grow a healthier, stronger nation. We have an opportunity to live in hope. We have an opportunity to help ourselves by helping others, and in the process grow stronger, more resilient, more vibrant communities.

Shop locally—support those people in your community who run small shops, restaurants, co-ops. Hire locally—if you have extra, pay someone to organize your garage, clean your house, weed your yard. Donate locally—small local nonprofits are the most vulnerable during economic downturns, and yet they hire your neighbors, help your community, and make a direct difference in the place where you live.

This is our challenge: Give into fear, or open up to hope? That choice is enacted, in large part, through how we spend our money.

Some things to think about ... keys to who we are and what we do?

From: http://drphil.com/articles/article/74

Defining Your External Factors


According to Dr. Phil, you can trace who you've become in this life to three types of external factors: 10 defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. But first it's important to understand the following terms:

Ten Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.

Seven Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.


Five Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.

Continue uncovering your authentic self with the complete exercises found in Self Matters.

Noticing

Hmm... I'm noticing that yesterday I tagged my food journal with "heartburn" and today I tagged it with "crabby."

That's fine, except that I did *not* feel the need to tag previous days, when I was feeling just fine, or even really GOOD with "happy" or "feelin' groovy."

Big breath. Letting go of judgment and just noticing.

I think I need to take note more of what I want more of in my life, not just note the negatives.

Rethinking .....



I want more smiles. :-)