What am I choosing when I feel overwhelmed?

We bought a new bed before Christmas. It arrived after Shannon and Josh spent New Year's with us -- we were hoping to create a real guest room for their stay. Next time. However, we still need to set up the new bed. I don't want to just set it up in the same old room with peeling wallpaper and inch-thick dust on the top of the armoire. I want to clean, declutter, strip the wallpaper, paint the walls ... the whole nine yards.

We have a plan in place, but for many reasons, redecorating our bedroom has moved so slowly that at times progress has been virtually imperceptible. Part of the reason for the delay is that I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the whole project. (I can only imagine how overwhelmed I would / will feel if / when we decide to remodel -- not just redecorate -- the kitchen!)

Overwhelmed is a state that leaves me scared and frustrated, and feeling as if I could cry. Actually, it makes me feel like withdrawing and doing *anything* else to avoid whatever it is that is overwhelming me.

So ... avoidance activity: I started the day thinking about what kind of zipped bag or container with a cover I could give as a companion gift to Makenzie, so that the tea set doesn't end up scattered all over creation, and therefore an annoyance instead of a charming way for her and her sisters to play together.



I mentioned my ideas to John. I tried to explain why I thought it would be a good idea to provide *some* way for the 38-piece set to be kept together by the 5-year-old, and the options I was considering. His response was to open what he thought was a dialog about it. After all, the set wouldn't be kept at our house; why not let Makenzie's dad and step-mom worry about it?

I didn't know why, but I felt crushed, said, "okay," and walked away. I felt like crying. Part of it is probably because Makenzie isn't *really* my granddaughter. Part of it was that I was already overwhelmed by the thought of taking the next steps in our shift to the spare bedroom in order to move the redecorating plans forward.

I'm grateful that John confronted me about my reaction to his "dialog." It wasn't easy to hear. But it opened the door for a true conversation between us, allowing me to express to him what was really going on with me:

• Thinking about the Dr. Phil 10 defining moments, 7 critical descisions, and 5 pivotal people had thrown me back into childhood and early adulthood "stuff" that I am happily oblivious about, most of the time.
• Wanting to move forward with the steps necessary to finish the bedroom redecorating already had me anxious, so I was engaged in avoidance activity.
• I was already doubting myself about whether giving some kind of container for the tea set would be considered meddling, given my status as "step-grandmother." John's questioning the value of that effort just confirmed my feeling that I should butt out.
• When I feel overwhelmed I am more comfortable doing *nothing* than I am with the possibility of doing *something* ... wrong. So moving Amy into Shannon's old bedroom was easy. Taking down the futon bunk bed and moving OUR bed into Amy's old room was the next step, and would bring me closer to making more moves and more decisions that might be *wrong.*

We disassembled the bunk bed this morning. It's in the basement now.



We disassembled our bed, and the pieces are in Amy's old room right now. We'll have to finish reassembling today, if we're going to have a place to sleep tonight.



Things are moving along. I'm writing this because, after moving our bed, the sight of everything left in our room to be cleaned, sorted, reconsidered, and moved overwhelmed me again.

Besides, I need to have the clean bed skirt before I can put our bed together again ... and it should be ready to go into the dryer about now.

Between stimulus and response, I chose to feel overwhelmed. John helped open the door to another option, and I chose to take him up on the invitation.

Moving forward ... feels good ... even if it continues to be overwhelming. Stepping away for a while helps.

----- I'm back. -----

And we have a place to sleep tonight: